I went fishing last night! It’s been way too long, and after the night I had previously there was a real need.
I had the worst night of my life so far in pain. It was like I had swallowed razor blades, I am not handling stress at all, and I am allowing myself to become sicker because of it.
I have a way of allowing myself to use what is going on in my life to keep me from taking the much needed time I need to heal. I am not taking care of myself even though I study ways in which I can improve. It’s a vicious cycle for me. I can help others learn how to heal themselves, but I will not take the time I need to help myself.
I asked myself the other day, are you okay with being okay? I don’t know. I have been sick for so long, and I have lived as an unhealthy woman for such a long time. I really don’t know what I would do not ill! I asked myself if I am ready to let go of those things that keep me sick? That’s a pretty hard question to ask, you all!!
It’s a scary work of life out there, and I have a hard time thinking of letting go of places, people or things who just may be the reason I am not letting myself get better. I know that it is much easier to ignore my problems and help others with theirs. I am not good at caring for myself. I was taught to help others, not help myself. I need to go to a college that teaches self-care.
I also know that I have to better myself before I can help others become better. What a wicked wicked world. It was easy for me to get bogged down with my illness and use it as an excuse not to try new things. I got to where I wouldn’t go outside because it was easier to make up excuses and stay inside. You look at google enough you can figure out a way to die a slow death. I love being outside, yet I was learning how to not live. I was becoming afraid to take a chance on anything. There are lies out there you can become a believer in.
Last night at the lake I listened to the water talk. It is amazing how the water in such a large body can talk. I could feel the difference in the way I felt, being near nature. I loved how the bluffs were tan and green, and the mountains behind the cliffs were a beautiful dark blue. The sky was a light pale blue, and the clouds were almost purple in color. How remarkable the world can be when we sit and watch her dance and sing.
The water talking was like listening to an old spirit that I have always known but had forgotten about. The whispering of the wind was a reminder that I am not just the skin I am in. I sat and listened to their stories about my life. I yawned and felt my whole being relax. I sat there and became aware of a calling deep inside to fight for this, not for the limitations I was living.
So after that horrid night of pain and not really too sure I was going to make it, I have decided to change my world. I am not going to stress about it; well, I am going to try not to stress too much about it. I am just going to love myself through this time. I am going to rest, eat well, and stop worrying that it may not be the best for those around me. If I am happy, I am going to assume <—– yes believe they will be okay too. I am going to celebrate my victories no matter how small they may be.
As I sat there and watch fish jump the water talk, I felt like I breathed for the first time in a long time. I noticed the cotton from the cotton trees blow gentle by, and I reached out several times and caught a piece. Soft and white it floated away like a feather when I let it go. How exciting that a cotton seed taught me how to let things go. The wind whispered in my ear and played with my hair and caressed my skin. The words are unspoken by the breath of the earth, as she whispered ways to be calm by just breathing. The dying of the light of day danced on the water, it looked like watercolors on canvas. The picture of life can be changed if I change the way I look at things. I sat and breathed, smiled, and evolved. All the stress from years of worry and illness melted into the rocky shoreline. The different sizes of stones, the colors the shape the same as my memories and thoughts all scattered on the ground. I found peace in nature. I found guidance, and I found hope.
It is fantastic that I decided to go sit at the lake instead of sitting in front of the Tv or looking at my phone. Nature helped me to heal more than all the herbs I take or all the advice I have cybered to me via email.
Nature teaches us how we can live. “Look Deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” Albert Einstein
Balance is the key. Balance is the love we give ourselves when we take the time to stop and listen to the water talk.