How many times I have listened to the latest and greatest guru out there. I get the books and take the cup of tea. I am excited and go gun-ho as I try and reach the enlightened energy they are talking about.
IT’S maddening how none of it comes about as it did for them. No matter how much I chant, meditate or let it go. There are those in our lives that come through in a single bound mess things up. I can’t control them, but I was told I could control how I react to them. MAYBE just MAYBE I am supposed to LOSE my shit that day. Honestly, I am one of the kindest, take shit from others, kind of person. But there are times when I need to stand up and shout back!!
I feel this way about the self-motivated guru. YOU lost your shit, got your shit back together now you need to sell me your shit! Yes, this very well may piss off a lot of folks but this is my blog!
Why do we feel a need to create a problem, solve the problem and then market it so others feel they may have the same problem? NO, we are not all the same, thank God, spirit, whomever you feel close to on the other side. I do not want anyone else to suffer with what afflictions I have!
I know I grow from all that I experience down here on this earth playing field. The problem is that I get all entangled with what others think or say. It isn’t enough to be proud of who you are right here and now. But then I have a way of trying to appease others, and that makes life more stressful for me.
I have a disease that changes with stress just like I change with stress. Lyme has a way of changing it’s molecular cell structure when I stress. This in tune changes how my body responds to the way the cell affects my body. Lyme is much more than just a single cell. Lyme changes all the time to keep from being killed.
With all the stresses of this disease, the most important thing I can do is not allow any other things bother me. Yeah, like this is a secure place to do that in. I am tired of living what I feel others expect. I feel like my disease is here to help me to stop living what I think others want from me.
I will not find the answers in another book. I can learn of course and take bits and pieces of what others have been learning from their journey, but it will not make a difference in my life if I do not go my own way. If I do not listen to my own heart and let go of the fear to please others.
It is hard for anyone to know what I am dealing with day in or a day out. I struggle to make my life as peaceful and as loving as I can. My disease doesn’t help with that. I have found that the chemicals this disease afflicts me with can have a very harsh reaction in my brain. The whole that is me is changing every day with the way I eat, I feel or what I do. I am always fighting to live. There is no cure for Lyme Disease.
Because Lyme Disease is so understudied, it is hard to find doctors who know what to do for the patient. I fall in the group that was both bitten by ticks as well as Deer Flies. I became very sick after the Deerfly bite.
The Buss study is the first to demonstrate that deer flies can carry B. burgdorferi and A. phagocytophilum,
causative agents of LD and Anaplasmosis. As a result, the authors suggest “the risk for transmission of
these pathogens via the bite of [an infected deer fly] is present.”
When I try to tell people what I have, I am mostly met with skepticism, or they have a blank look on their face. It is so frustrating and sad. Our world has become a world to prove your sick, or you don’t look sick. In four years I have lost the ability to drive and so, in turn, have had to rely on others for my freedom. I get out mostly to go shopping for food, and that is it. I am not able to get around like most people. I find it hard to ask others for help, and when I do, I get a lot of unpleasant responses.
It has gotten to the point in my life that I find I am a bother because I am not able to do for others like I use to. It makes the person who is ill fill like they would be better off dead. I know that isn’t a pretty way of saying it, but it is the truth. I feel so much better when I can justify why I am sick than to be loved and accepted for what I have going on, without judgment. NOT COOL!
I found the other day being alone to be the best day ever. I would be okay living alone if I can get food in the house, and keep my electric on and have water. It would be wonderful to have no one to bother or have feelings of disappointment around me.
I don’t want to be alone though. I love sharing and have fun with others. I don’t like feeling wrong about what I am going through thou.
Where is the self-help book that helps us be healthy as well as helps us bring into our lives those who want to help others? How do we find the strength to let go of those who are not helping us? When do we know? I wish this world had a love button so that every time I felt broken hearted I could push it and with glitter and bright lights a loving person would emerge and hug me or sit and listen to me.
I can only take it one day at a time. It is very crucial to make amends with myself. It is essential that I make friends with what I am going through. It can be harder if I am around the wrong kind of people though. I feel like that is the most important message I could have said today. I have to find a way to move away from those who are toxic to my life.
I am in the stage of my life where I want to be my biggest supporter but, I need help to get there. That will be the next move in my life is finding that support and allowing myself to listen to my heart and go with that flow.
Amazing how I can write my answers in a blog.