The experience of Loss

It’s been a while since I have sat and put all my thoughts down in one page.  I have a way of writing here and there in my little notebooks and then sitting down and putting them all down.

I have been experiencing some significant losses again.  The one thing I work on is seeing the blessings these losses bring.  I feel like life is more about the losses than anything else.  It was just a conclusion I came to after a morning in meditation.  Life is full of these losses that we find our way through.  Sometimes they are comfortable because they bring us clarity other losses are just too painful to deal with.

I have lost my mom to Alzheimer’s, and I feel it is her way of dealing with the loss of my sister.  I know that in my life I have lost my health and with that come the grieve I have to deal with every day. I grieve who I once was, and that can be very hard not only on the physical being but also the spiritual being.

There are days when I feel like I can reach that feeling of becoming one with all that is around me.  I send out healing energies, and I find that I can forgive the most significant losses.  Then there are other days I feel like I can’t take one more loss in my life.  I still believe we all had a plan of action when we planned our trip to the earth.  That all those who come in and out of our lives were predestined to.  But we have the freedom of choice on how we react to each meet up.  We can be bold and take up the challenges of the unexpected, or we can be safe and live how society tells us to live.  None of these choices are wrong, they just have a different outcome.

The trick to living in a world of loss is how to not internalize it.  That is where I struggle.  I am not a well person, to begin with.  As I go through the day to day life with Chronic Lyme Disease, I have to also deal with the ups and downs of those people who have come into my life to learn how to deal with their ups and downs.  It is hard to have compassion at times when you are dealing with your own stuff.

My ongoing losses, the grief of letting go of the dreams I had imagined I would be doing in my own life, has had a toll on me.  The real reality though is the thought that life should have been this way, but the knowledge that it was never promised to you in the first place.  Dang, it!!   The reality is that nothing is written in stone no matter how much you wished it was!!

My ongoing struggles with my delusion that I want things to become better without my having to change is genuinely perplexing to me.    Why can I not have the life I dreamed of and not have to struggle in the process< that is what I am working on.   I have had to face the truth that life is full of losses and that I am to try and find a way to be okay with those losses.  Easier said than done!!

It’s been hard in the world to appreciate the fragility of life when I have to become almost heartless because of it.  I am a lover, not a fighter, but this world will help you learn how to become hard when you would like to be soft.  I am learning how to let go of the pride, the ego and the need to want to be right.  There is no way to keep your sanity when you try to hold all these limited outside beliefs.  I hang on in the rapids of life and work really hard to remember that this is just a temporary thing.

There is no getting away from the fact that this all will end and the only thing you will take away will be your memories.   I then have to ask myself are the memories I am making worth remembering?  Do I want to remember the losses and hard lessons, lovingly and kindly, or in a depressing wish I was right and will not bend in any way, because I am going to always be right, kind of way?

” A painful time in our life is what I call a “Healing Crisis.” We are letting go of something old and opening to something new. —–Shakti Gawain

I will close this with some Ho’oponopono:

I am sorry that I am allowing this lie and misunderstanding to keep coming up in my life.

Please Forgive me for not knowing how to let it go and not bother you.

Thank you for bringing this situation up so I can heal it and move on.

I love you for caring so much that you have been carrying this ugliness for so long,

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