I have had the worst writers black for a while here. A lot has come up, and I know the stresses of Lyme and my Daughter have caused me to have doubts about this world. I wonder things like why would I have ever wanted to come here to Earth just to suffer. I know I am not alone in those thoughts. Why do we come here to experience, to go through lack, to feel loss and to deal with the every day downs of this world? Why are there more bad days than good? Why do we have people in our lives that are negative or seem to bring us down?
So last night as I got ready for bed, I tried to find all the things I was grateful for that day. I found myself loving all the miseries of the days. It started out because I was sarcastic. So I started out: I loved that I have a daughter that seems to want to destroy me and has forgotten how much I love her. I love that I have a negative husband that never seems to be happy with anything in life. I love the fake news that brings nothing but negativity into my living room. I love my Lyme Disease and all the pain and depression. I love that the CDC ignores that Lyme Disease is more than what it has published. I love that I struggle with the bills more times than not. I love that I am tired, lonely, depressed, and most of all that I am alive to feel all these things. I am alive, and that is the one thing that really made me realize that life is about living through and experiencing these things.
It was like I needed to turn around and love all that is happening in my life right now. I am sad, and that is okay. I am in pain, and that is okay. I am depressed over the things going on in my life… BUT I am ALIVE to live them. I can’t change these events and issues, but I can love them for whatever they are teaching me that I may not see at this time.
I reflect on all I have been learning as I live and love and hate all that I am going through. I found that I could see that silver lining in all this crap. I hate being sick, No I can not be positive all the time. I hate hurting, I miss close contact, I miss kisses and hugs. I hate that I can not help others feel better and be more positive. I am learning how to love me even in my darkest days. I can find things to be grateful for even when I don’t feel like there is anything to be thankful for.
No, I do not want to go through this Lyme Disease, I don’t want my daughter to be breaking my heart and destroying her and I’s relationship. I don’t want to live with negativity any more than I want to go through a root canal every day. I am tired, and I really would love to be able to find peace and fun-filled days for the rest of my life here on this earth.
So until I can find that perfect peaceful life, I’ll just keep loving all that is going on in my life. I noticed last night a ray of hope, and that is all I seem to be able to find to get me through the rougher days.