I woke up this morning in a gloom, and it matches the outside world as well. I wondered why as I got up and opened all the curtains in my home. Why am I so gloomy today?
My feelings came in sparkling clear as I remembered the night before and how my heart felt heavy and broken. The disappointment I had in myself for putting up with an uncaring person.
Dr. Darell Wolf said it very well the other day. When you take a good look at what you have surrounding you, you just may find that you are surrounded with someone who is not good for you. If we eat right, exercises, meditate and take good care of ourselves then it only makes sense that we should look at the people who we have in our lives.
I have a very negative person in my life, he is a user, and he is very selfish. Lately, these issues are becoming more evident. I do not believe we get involved with people like this on purpose. We go in with an open and honest heart, but over time those who we have in our lives change for whatever reasons and we find we are not good to be around one another.
Fear creeps in, and we stay with these individuals because of that fear.
So that brings up my topic today. Do we go through different steps when it is time for us to let go of those who we have grown apart from?
The first step to me is the morning of a loss. I loved this person very much and saw so many things I wanted to do with them. I see the loss of what I thought might have been. My heart broke over and over at the thought that there was never a friendship and that nothing but harshness in all that we do comes out more than the care and love you hoped for. Here is the reality that comes in after that first step of loss. You were never guaranteed any of the above. The lack you feel is from the death of expectation.
The second step is the anger. You put all your heart and love into this person, and they have shown that it means nothing to them. They talk out of both sides of their face, and their actions don’t match their words. This is where I got resentful and started to see myself change into someone I did not want to be. The reality is this, after your anger you can not see what you once saw in this person no matter how much you want to put it back like it was that first day you were in love. But here is the kicker I found, I was in love with who I was not who they were!
Freedom is taking on your responsibilities in everything! The more you accept your responsibility in all mannerisms of life, the more freedom you gain. It is no one’s fault when you come to the realism of what is going on.
The third stage is I don’t need you to make me feel complete. That is a hard one for I felt I needed someone to acknowledge me so I could feel whole. I was always looking for some kind of acceptance. Those of us who genuinely care and are sensitive do not want to rock the boat. We want to be friends with everyone and have then accepted us always. That is not the case anymore. I have found loving myself is much more important than having the acceptance of others.
I feel like I have changed so much and I have realized I will not come second anymore. I want to be in a relationship that gives 100% from both sides. I have found that there are others out there that believe as I do. So then why do we stay in a relationship that is not helping both individuals in their betterment?
The fourth Stage comes into play now. That stage where I can not ignore the obvious. This is where I have accepted that there is no growth and that I am much better off without this person than with them. There is no relationship to speak of, and all that is being gained is the loss of time that I could be enjoying my life and growing. Instead, I am now stressed and becoming sicker. I know it sounds very selfish but so is allow someone else to not treat you the way you want to be treated.
What an injustice it becomes when you start to hate that person instead of allowing the relationship to go so that one another can go on and grow the way they need to. I don’t need anyone to come into my life I really do love being my own person. I love that freedom of not having to be accountable for anyone else’s happiness.
I want the freedom to do as I please and not have to worry it may not be the right time, or that the other person doesn’t want to go. I had three children, and they were my life, I sacrificed for them always, I gave to both my husbands my all. I did for them and tried to make it pleasant for me. I found that some people are very selfish and keep wanting and expect all the time. I am very appreciative of someone’s time.
I am not perfect in any shape or form, I know I am broken from an abusive mother and father. I live with a chronic illness every single moment of the day. I went without more times than not, I love to give to a fault. Yet I have awoken and want more for me. I can get it by being a kind loving person, yet I also know I might have to fight others to keep them from using my generosity.
So there you have it, divorce has different stages. Some are easier to transverse, others are painful, but they all help us grow. I am a better person for what I am learning. I am not bitter or resentful, I am just happy that I am recognizing what is happening. It is time for a change, and that can be the scariest part of a divorce. I love being married, it is nice to have someone to share with, in this rollercoaster called life, but I will not stay where I am not happy. I want to grow and flourish. I want to see and discover new things and have adventures in all that I do. When a relationship becomes a rock that drags you down, it is time to get out and go on.