It’s been a while since I have written. I miss my daily writings. I love how my thoughts become words here on this blank page.
As you might have read, from my last blog posting, I have been creating some real changes in my life. It has been an exciting yet hard time. So much of me that I have been used to has been dying off. It’s like when you do a colon cleanse, and all that old stuff starts to let go and gets flushed out. All those toxins that you have stored are now yet again reabsorbed, and you have to deal with the poisons that your body was trying to hide from you.
When I started to change all that has been me I had to face the demons, the hurts that I have repressed. It can become mind-numbing and overwhelming at times.
I took off my wedding band today. It felt heavy, it felt repressing, it felt like a weight on my chest that was keeping me from breathing. I have worn a ring on that finger for so long.
I stood there making breakfast and twisted that silver band around my finger, a habit I have had for a long time. I stopped twisting the ring and looked at it. I had this feeling hit me. I felt I needed to take it off. I put the ring on the countertop beside the stove and looked at it. All these memories came flooding in.
The ring was a gift to me, not from anyone else. I had taken off my wedding bands a long time ago.
The ring I took off this morning, it meant love to me because I gave it to me out of love. I also had this ring on because it was my way of showing others that I was married. I don’t have to do that anymore.
I have had only one ring in my life given to me that was given out of love and not ownership. An exceptional person gave me a ring of blue Saffire beside a beautiful mountain lake surrounded by sunflowers and wildflowers.
Love was what that ring was meant to represent, it still does. Not a ring of control, not a ring that marked me as being someone’s possession.
I stood there looking at that silver band and cried not from the loss but from the freedom I felt. I realized I was taking another step towards independence. I am not owned. I am not some piece of material possession to be used and put away till needed. I am a remarkable, loving person who wants the same love I give to be given back.
I looked up through my tears outside my window, and thought, there will not be a ring on this finger until I find a partner that sees me as an extension of who we can both become together.
Mentally, Physically, metaphysically I am making leaps and bounds with this disconnect to that which does not help me be the best me possible. If we do not take care of our needs which stem from the whole as a person, we will never honestly find that which we are in search of. I am very grateful for all the lessons I have seen while being in this relationship. I also know that it is okay to allow it to go. I get scared and wonder what will happen down the road. Yet so far things have been really cool.
I am once again excited about my future. Significant changes are happening to me physically. I rest more, I am not walking on eggshells trying to make someone happy that doesn’t want to be. It is nice to be an open place of conversations and not take what is being said to heart. It has nothing to do with me. I am just there to listen and let others be who they want to be.
I put that silver band up. I keep looking at my naked hand. For over thirty years there has been a ring there. My hand feels lighter, I feel lighter. It is a beautiful day.