So this is my new year writings, as I had said the other day I will be finding the positive messages and sharing them. Well, my day started off when I awoke from a nightmare. Nothing like starting the day off right huh?
In this crazy world, we are bombarded with negativity, and we get it coming from all directions. I woke today at the end of my rope, now don’t get me wrong I have been struggling with these feelings of sadness and depression for some time. I think that I had to reach my point of no return. I have nothing to give! No period there that sentence needed an exclamation mark! I am empty. I have no more to give. I have run into the wall of nothingness.
I can’t do one more thing for anyone else I have no energy or drive to do it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell anyone anything anymore. I have no real want or desire to do so. I can’t take making people feel what I want them to think @ that is the answer. I don’t feel like making a difference in anyone’s life anymore. I don’t want to hear about what they think about me or the constant complaining they do because they feel they have too. SOUNDS POSITIVE HUH? Wait there is a reason for me to be writing this.
I have found that no one can give me advice, and the more I give, the more they will take. It is human nature. Everyone is looking out for number one. Example ( thank you Abraham Hicks) If you go to buy a car and ask the salesman which car he thinks will be the best for you, he is going to tell you the vehicle that is best for him to sell to you. It’s the way life is. But if I go to the car dealership knowing what I want I will come out with a car I love.
I can’t make anyone see the hurt they are inflicting. I can’t make them know how to love. I have to watch out and be there for me. I know what I need I know what will help me. I feel what is right and what is wrong, so I need to start to fill up my love tank of giving by giving to me more.
It is not selfish it is survival when we give more than we get we become empty. I am empty. I genuinely have nothing to offer to anyone, my time, my love, my patience. Nothing I have nothing to give.
I sat for the whole day crying, between my crying I got up and ate, washed dishes, cooked dinner then cried some more. I cried for my lack of care, I cried for the pain of loss, I cried for not being better to me, I cried because I can’t live up to what the world says I should be doing. I can’t live up to what the Bible says, that society says, that man says. I cried just because it felt good to cry. I am crying now, it feels so good to finally throw up my hands and wave the white flag. I can’t and will not paddle upstream of life. I can’t be the better partner, the better sister. The better friend. The better listener. The better carer. I don’t have it in me to do.
I realize that I have to be one with my feelings, it’s the same thing I have preached before if it feels good do it if it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it. When you connect to your source, you feel terrific! You know that feeling you have touched it. It is that feeling of falling in love, being around someone who makes you feel light and happy, that feeling you get all of a sudden that makes you feel alive, elated, joyful, grateful, treasured, magnificent. Those feelings are letting you know that you are inline with your actual source. That is where you want to be always. Negative emotions like emptiness, sadness, depression. Heartbreak, worry are when you are out of line with your source. WE ARE NOT MEANT TO LIVE THERE!!
When I stopped today and cried I felt the best feeling in the world, I felt lighter, happier, more aware of myself. I felt confident, hopeful, joyful and that I don’t have to keep beating me up. The buzzing in my head stopped after having this deafening buzzing for over three months. I could hear the sweet little birds again, the call of a lonely dove, the breeze blowing through the cedar trees.
I am finding that if I let change my view from the worries, the lack I feel I am and put my emotions on those things that make me happy. Then my world starts to change for the better. I picked up my art today and started to color my world with beautiful colors. I worked on that for hours, enjoying the sun, the bird songs, and the fresh breeze. Guess what I felt my love tank come up a scoosh. I felt lighter, and I felt joy seeping into my world.
There is no one way there is only the happy way. We have a compass it is called emotions. I can feel when I am conflicted if I pay attention. I can turn from those triggers that are causing me conflict. I can’t control outside forces, but I can control me. The great news is this when we find that we conflict because of something that is taking us away from our inner source we feel heavy, sad, depressed, harmful. I can turn away from those things in which I do not aline with and put my self back in a happy, elated, secure and joyous place.
Why would we want to make life hard, when we can make it easier and happier.