I have been missing in action for a couple of days here. I needed to go deep and find the pain I have been pushing down again. Crazy how I know what I need to do but still the ego has a way of taking over and before you realize it you are back in the trenches and in pain. This pain is a manifestation of all the emotions you are running from. I have had a hard time trying to deal with my feelings as I try and be positive for the up and coming Holiday. I am not doing an outstanding job at it!
I am tired again as well, not physically but emotionally. I have prayed more this week than I usually do and I pray pretty much for everything if that gives you an idea. I had to face a grave hurt last night, even though I thought I was suffering it already. I am so overwrought with feelings that I had no idea I wasn’t facing an inevitable hurt. My mom is dying, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. Not only is my mom dying she is dead already in some aspects. She has no idea where she is, no idea she has kids and no idea who she is. Her Body is giving up, and she has to be watched, fed and changed. My mother was military, and a force to be reckoned with. To view such a proud woman being spoon fed and diapered is heartbreaking. We don’t want to see it, we don’t want to hear these things, but to heal I have to face them.
“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.”
My mom was a hard woman, but when I sat with that thought for a while I tried to put myself in her place, I have been taught that we do things at times from a place of limitation. To go back and grade your actions is stupid, you did what you did with the knowledge you had at that time. If you had known better, you would have done better. My mom like any mother came from a place of fear. She feared for her children, she wanted the best for them, and she wanted to know in her heart that she gave them a fighting chance. I taught my children differently than she because I came from a different mindset. How she passed me the information was neither right or wrong. I had a choice, I could have continued in her examples or I could make my own.
I make my own way in life much different than she did, yet the way she did things were right for her if not for me. Non of us are correct when it comes to other people. We are only right for ourselves.
I am very proud of my mom and love her more than I can express, we didn’t have a lovey-dovey relationship. In fact, I love my mom more today than I did when she was of sound mind. I am angry with her,, and I feel cheated. I wanted to do more with my mom but didn’t get the chance to do more with her. She made work her priority, it was more important than living this life. I feel my mom sacrificed her family life for her career. Not that she was a ball fun to be with for many years, but there were those beautiful days that made up for the bad. Alzheimer has a way of taking years of your life before you know you have it. By the time we could figure out what was happening it was too late. I am grateful she was of sound mind so she could make the decisions that she needed to for her long-term care.
Last night as I cried my heart out I imagined what I will say at her eulogy. This is what I came up with.
My mom was a very proud woman, she tried to be independent, but she was fragile. My mom was in two wars while in the Air Force, I will never forget how proud I was as I stood there on the tarmac awaiting her C-130 to land.
I wrote this for my mom that day: I could see Pikes Peak through the mist of the rain. The rain seemed to follow the mountain range only, but where I stood by the airplane hanger, the sun shined. Then they appeared little specks coming over the mountains. They came closer to view getting larger and larger. They started circling and descending towards the hanger like huge Eagles, when in fact they were C130 Air Force cargo planes. They began landing one by one on the runway near the airplane hanger I was standing by. The C130’s lined up one behind the other and taxied up towards their final stop. Then they lined up side by side and came to a halt.
I could feel the rain coming, I sure hope she gets off the plane and into the hanger before it gets too heavy.
I looked at each cargo plane trying to get a glimpse of her. The troops lined up in front of the aircraft, each company coming to attention and then started to march towards the hanger. Finally… there she was!! I could tell by her walk. Se walked with her chin held high her shoulders pushed back looking as though she were walking against the wind. I also knew it was her by her friendly style and yet she had an aura of importance encircling her. I thought she looked so tall and proud where in fact she only stood five foot seven. She was wearing camouflage from head to toe. I could see wisps of short black hair under her camouflage hat, the sun illuminating her gray highlights. Her soft tan face had a knowing smile on it. My mom was in her forties at the time with subtle age lines, her brown eyes twinkled at me, I laughed at the joy this gave me.
Her company marched up to the platform set up in front of the airplane hanger. Higher ranking men and women stood there waiting on the platform, ready to give these troops and thank you for all their time and hard work in Desert Storm. Her company was called. Next, she marched in rhythm with her company commander. The black boots she wore shined and sparkled in the sun, they were laced halfway up her shins and her camouflaged pants folded neatly over her combat boots.
I watched as she walked up the stairs of the platform, shook hands with the officers. My mom, I was so proud, she had done precisely what was expected, went above her call of duty and got the job done. I smiled at her as she was dismissed with only a thanks, but her pride was written on her face. I could see her Master Sergeant strips on her shoulders, the wind carried her scent of flowers and mint. She and I hugged each other with the knowledge that she was home and safe. I was so proud of this soft, beautiful woman. Yes, this is my Mother, a lovely Sergeant Mom.
To all the women who served or are serving in the Armed Forces for our county, Your kids are so Proud.
I wrote this for my mom about 30 years ago, I was so proud and still am of my mom. My mom was tough on the outside, fragile on the inside. She was hard working and hard to take at times, but she had the best laugh, the prettiest smile, she was beautiful in so many ways. She was frightened for her kids like any caring mom is. She was funny and loved the outdoors. My mom was a forest fairy enjoying the sunshine in a meadow. She loved to fish and hike, she should have done more of that. My mom taught me that women are humans, there are no differences in the sexes. She showed me that I could have anything I wanted, and she taught me what I didn’t want to be like. Her favorite quote was; prior planning makes for professional results. I took the meaning as this, work smarter not harder.
My mom was not religious, but she believed that God was always there and always loved us no matter what. The best advice she gave me was to nail all your problems on the cross and let God take them for you. She and I joked about that old rugged cross, many a time we would laugh and tell one another how much time it took to hammer our problems on that dang old cross.
I will end these thoughts with a poem I wrote about that cross. I love you, Momma;
Finding My Cross
I found a cross in the thorns,
Where Darkness has my world torn.
Depression I live with for many years,
My cross brought me out to my peers.
The white light my cross has caused,
made people stand and pause.
I have this feeling my cross has a meaning,
It could be so, or I might be dreaming.
So I sat in the darkness with my cross,
Stood up and gave it a toss.
A rainbow of gold, white and blue,
came forth with a voice soft and true.
The voice said in such a loving way,
Don’t take life so seriously, take it day by day.
WWYHS ( What would your heart say)