My T-shirt

I feel like there are more days of constant learning than thunder strike moments.  I seem to have to go through the struggles over and over before I come out on the other side of the lesson I was to learn.  It gets pretty tiresome.

I feel like this book I am writing is me saying the same lesson over a million times but in just different ways. I was told that the Universe could be gentle, but if we keep making the same mistakes or not getting the gest of what we came here to learn, the Universe will kick your ass.  Laughing Out Loud, I have had my butt handed to me too many times I am afraid to say.

I think the biggest Butt Kicking I get is when I ignore those things that I should be embracing, but since I was taught not to embrace what others call defeat, I fight with myself and try to ignore or suffer in silence with my issues.  Why do we feel we need to hide from the world what we all are going through?  Why is it not ok to be sick, or hurt? Why is it not ok to be happy being where we are, but to be made to feel inadequate if we are not striving for more?

I want everyone to wear a t-shirt that expresses what they are going through at that very moment.  I want mine to say I live with Lyme Disease every day of my life. That way people can educate themselves on what I am dealing with.  I love knowing about people genuinely.  I think that we need that.  Jesus dealt with that as he walked mile after mile to teach about love and compassion.  Folks for miles would meet where he was just to say to him what they were going through and to have someone hear them and love them.

I think that is our biggest sin here on Earth, we do not care to hear about others,.  It’s okay to walk around those who are hurt or need to be heard.  How many homeless just want to be heard?  How many people are suffering from diseases that don’t have them hooked to machines or running to doctors every minute of the day,  they may just want to be heard and seen?  I have a condition that a blood test won’t show. How do I make people understand that there are days I am in so much pain that all I do is cry and try not to die from my illness.

I don’t want to continue to tell folks I can not go out in the cold because it hurts so badly, or that my body cannot manage to regulate my temperature in any weather condition.  I don’t want to tell people that I am in terrible pain and can not move or even take a shower some days.  That is why I need my shirt so I can take care of myself without having to defend myself.  I don’t want pity I want to understand, I want acceptance, I want compassion.  When I know someone is hurt, going through a rough time, or in need of medical intervention, I really do care enough to write them ask them how they are.  I know I would have loved the same care and compassion.

I was sharing this idea yesterday, what if on the other side, heaven, Summerland, where ever you believe you will go after this life is over. We are standing there with our loved ones, angels and guides talking about what we are going to do in this lifetime.  You have played many roles in each other’s lives, your brother from another lifetime becomes your dad or best friend this time.  We have been in each other’s lives many times.  Your mom is going to be an unloving mom, she needs to learn that lesson, your first husband or wife will either be there forever in a right way or in a rough and non-caring way.  Your sister and Brothers will be there for support, but you will lose one very early in life.  What if Your life was all planned out, and you were coming here to learn how to be sick mistreated and learn how to live it absorb it and let it go?

I can tell you my husband didn’t like that thought at all.  Laughing.  He said that I think in a way to deeply for him.  Let’s go deeper into the heart the ideas that are scary maybe taboo.  It makes more sense to me that we came here with a purpose.  I can not understand a shallow life of non-importance! I think that being is way more than we give credit too.  I feel in my heart that I need to stop looking to prove myself.  I need to allow myself to be ok with my sickness, I don’t give two puppy poops who thinks I am really sick or not.  I have better ways of getting attention than playing sick.  I am not in competition for attention either.   I really don’t want any attention, in fact, I usually hide in my worst of times, that’s probably why most people can not understand why I am so sick at times.

My beautiful daughter in law,  son in law and two grandbabies are coming to spend Christmas with my Husband and me. It is horrifiying to me!  My home is my place of refuge since I suffer more days than not. I don’t want them to see me ill!! I don’t want them to see me in pain! To see what this disease can do!  It has me so stressed out that it has made my symptoms come on stronger and more painful. My body is always in overdrive with the fight or flight response.  It is hard for me to calm down even when I meditate and try relaxing.  My muscles are like rubber bands stretched to their breaking point.

I want them to know that they are in no way a bother, that I am living with a fear of being seen in an unhealthy light and I am afraid of the judgment I have suffered from, from those who I thought cared and loved me.   If we stop, we can come from a place of love and care, we all have been hurt and can affectionately come from that area with understanding.  It’s time we get off our high horses of being right.  It is time to be a kind, loving, understanding, a gentle and caring way towards all humans.  We can even come from a caring place and treat those who have hurt us with distant care.  I don’t want to see those who have injured me, I don’t have to be around them.  I have the right to take myself out of their presences.

I feel that if we stop running, causing drama, finding distractions and be happy where we are, life will show us much more than we could have ever dreamed.  Wow to be satisfied in your life right now, not feeling like you lack or you need more.  Life is like a river you go with the flow, some days it is lazy and relaxing, others it is full of rapids and waterfalls.  Each part is just as important as the other, they are meant to be lived together gently and lovingly.


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