I’m back to swimming against the currents in my life. I have so much going on in my life, but when I stop and take stock of my situation, most of what is going on is past thoughts.
This year on this blog has been about working through all those issues I am carrying from my past. I started to put my book together. This book is about all I am working, learning and transversing through. I am finding as I put my thoughts all together that I still have a lot of things that yet are not resolved.
Life is so hard when we have to face the realities of the dreams we thought would be in our lives and not much of what we dreamed of has come true. My wants of how love would be like totally changed, I find that my schoolgirl dreams of the perfect man have been replaced by the reality of what man indeed is like. The ones you thought you would have in your life are not there.
I am in the mindset of delusion, the fairy tales are unreal, and the hard realities are hard to swallow. I can see all this as I write my feelings down each day. I am sad as well as angry at the way things have turned out. I have had to stop and think about where I want to go this next year. I am not happy in my life and I want to be, I am my own worse enemy though. I keep switching my direction trying to go against the current of life. It seems like I am giving up on my dreams. I have been taught to fight the good fight, but why? The only thing I am fighting is myself. NO one gives a shit about what I am fighting because they are fighting their own battles. I have made it to the top of my mountain of feeling sorry for myself, only to side down and have to climb back up again. I am too busy falling into the bullsauce of ungrateful because it is the holidays and I am not getting what I think I should. I need a delete Button!!
I want to be heard and seen, but so does everyone else. It becomes a battleground in my very own home, volleying for attention that once I get, I don’t like the way I got it. It’s become a bad repetition around here in my home. I feel sorry for myself the other person who lives here does the same. I try to be the better person and yet I feel used. I am so tired of fighting myself. I am making myself sick! I want to start to delete all unnecessary data in my life. I want to delete the mistakes, the hardships, the unrealistic expectations, the assumptions, the untruths, and the self-judgments. I am tired of being jealous of what I do not have. I want to delete all these things permanently.
I have a painting of a fuzzy bear in top hat and coats, he has a weathervane on his top hat. The weathervane is a rainbow trout facing the opposite way of the bear. It is called against the current. I woke up this morning looking at that picture and thought, it is much harder to go against the current than it is to turn yourself around and go with the flow. I really have made myself sick here of late. My Lyme Disease has gotten worse and I am in more pain. I am tired, mad, moody, and sick. I start to become weepy, flighty and start fights. I am not happy with me at all so I get unhappy with those around me. The only reason I am not happy with me is that I am concentrating on the lack I feel in my life. In other words, I am feeling sorry for myself.
As I am putting this book together I have to realize that I am reliving all the things I have written over again. I think that is why most writers give up or try and keep their material on a lighter side. Those same emotions you put down in written form hit you like a ton of bricks and you find yourself crying over things you thought you were over. I really want this book published not for anyone, it’s all about me, it’s for me. I want the accomplishment. I think that this book may be the death of me though if I don’t get my head straightened out about the past emotions.
I know there are a lot of things I would love to change my life, I am not happy with me. I am trying to be happy with me. I need to stop fighting the currents in my life, turn myself around and flow with this life more. My new lease on life is letting go of unrealistic expectations. I need to give myself more credit for what I am and have accomplished. I don’t celebrate my victories like I would for someone else. I am always so proud or so happy for others, yet I am so harsh and unforgiving towards myself. I am tired of feeling like I lack when in truth I am grateful for all I have. When I am too hard on me I am too hard on others. I am looking back in my past and at the same time looking too far ahead in my future. I am not enjoying the now. I am trying to be someone that I am not. I have fallen back into the drama of life, looking for the bad instead of letting things go. I don’t want to be sad, mad, upset, depressed, moody or judgemental. I don’t care about those things, I care about the joys, the laughter, the peace, love, and hope that is of life.
I look forward to changing my course in life. I am ready to turn around and go with the flow. God help me I am ready to stop fighting the currents in my life. To slow down, sink deep into my life just the way it is and enjoy the deep calming waters of my journey, that’s my new dream.