I have been feeling much better, and when I am feeling better, I have this nasty habit of going 100 miles per hour a day trying to catch up with things that don’t matter. Why? Because it is a habit. My mom was the same way, my siblings and I were always having to do something, or we were punished. The stuff my mom had us doing were ridiculous things as well, for instance, we had to move a huge rock garden. Why? I have no idea, I guess it was so we had something to do. I am trapped in this time warp where I feel useless unless I am doing something unnecessary. LOL laughing out loud.
I am tired, sore, and upset with life, and I have only myself to blame. I got up this morning mad and when I asked myself why I had to accept that it was my own darn fault. I have been doing a lot, and my anger is from that issue. I wanted to do those things, but I pushed myself too hard to get them done all in one day. I have other days but why put off what you can do today right?? <<<< I hate that sentence, and I love that!!
I acknowledge the issue this morning when I asked why I am reverting to my past and I need to stop that shit right now. I need to let things go and stop pushing myself because of the echoes of my past. I am not who I once was, I am much more than a little robot that goes around looking for stuff to keep me busy, so I will not get my butt beat! I can sit here in my favorite chair drink my Chaga mushroom tea while I digest my new approach to life. I can take a deep cleansing breath and let it all go, maybe even cry a little bit as I forgive the past and allow the present to once again take hold of my life. I am finding that real happiness is seeing the present and staying there. The tricky part is recognizing that your not in the present.
I am grateful for where I am in life, I am thankful for the lessons I am learning, I am grateful for all I have. I feel that I can use work or anything that keeps me busy as a way to distractions. It prevents me from seeing what is going on at the present moment. I think of it this way, if there is a smashed bug on my windshield, I can look past it, even forget it is there but my subconscious still sees it, it’s blocking my view it’s bothering me, but I am ignoring it. If I just remove it as soon as I get a chance, then I get a better view, and I don’t have this little guy’s dead corpse nagging me all day long. Or whatever it is that you are ignoring, don’t get stuck on the bug it’s just a metaphor.
I could have stayed mad, allowed my having overdone things to stay there and taunt me to the point where I was bitchy and mean, but why, it’s my smashed bug and I need to deal with it. Once I asked why I could not hide from the truth, I had done too much which made me tired and sore, I did this to myself no one else just me. What a beautiful world we would have if we all would accept our own smashed bugs and take care of the mess. If we were to take care of our own messes we would leave others alone, we would be happier with ourselves because we would be doing something constructive instead of destructive.
When I sat down to write this, I was pissed off, but now I feel much more relaxed and happier. That is what meditation helps us do, it helps us diffuse the bomb that we have created and are about to set off on someone else before it reaches anyone else. I have benefited myself out of a bad day from picking on someone who has no clues what I have done to me and back to a present place where I know I need to slow my butt down!!
Practice makes perfect.
Go wash off that bug that is keeping you from enjoying the view.