Life is a fickle thing, we have all heard this expression a time or two. I really am having one of those flighty moments. I miss my little grandbaby, I am lost without her, my heart is sad, I am tired and hurting, things that do not do well for the human psyche. I am tired of being sad, as well as worrying all the time. It is hard on all of us who deal with constant pain. I do count my blessings every day, as well as celebrate the good days. Today is not one of those days. There is no time limit in life, there is only being where you are grateful for that. Where you think you should be is not, where you are at this very moment is where you’re supposed to be.
I want to run around and do what others do, yet I am not able to. To have your mind as well as your heart wanting to do more than your physical body can accomplish is hard. I do not have a piece of paper from big pharma letting others know that I am not well, I am not hooked to IV’s, I do not sit in a wheelchair, yet there are days I really could use those things. I live in a world where I am judged as well as reticulated if I am not well or pushing myself to be well. I will be forgotten and left behind, for this world is based on the assumption that only the strongest will survive.
I thought about this a lot this week. I was a loving mom, still am to one of my kids, the other two are still undecided. Their father and stepmom are always preaching the gospel of my unfortunate events that require them to make me out to be a lying control freak. I guess to make there limited fear-based life more manageable. I have no idea honestly and could care less! I am letting go of the preconceived thoughts of this ugly world. No, I am not the uncaring, the user that makes up my disease. I have much better things to do than to pretend I am sick!! It’s too hard to keep the act of being sick all the time, not being able to go out and have fun or make excuses for any kind of fun event.
I don’t know what they are thinking, but I would much rather be off playing, making money to go play with and be doing anything other than being in pain and trying to survive from day to day. Duh!
I can’t afford to be sick, no one can anymore. I work hard healing myself with good food, herbs, and holistic living. I can’t afford to go to a doctor whom I need to tell what is going on with me so they can prescribe me medicine that will only cause more problems. I don’t want to pay for insurance I do not need, I only need protection if I am in an unfortunate accident!! < My car insurance will cover that, I just make sure that I have enough coverage so it will. I don’t want to pay for insurance that is not there to help me get well, it is only there to make me sicker to keep me sick. I hate that I have to pay for something that I will be punished for if I do not follow it!! Why is that OK? I have a choice, and that decision is to not be told that I have to pay and keep something that I do not want to use!!! Where are my rights?
This rant is because if you do go to a doctor, you have to pay for your visit like you don’t have insurance anyway. My deductible is 10,000 dollars, So why am I paying for insurance???
I like who I am, I care deeply, my home is clean, I cook whole yummy foods, I am learning everything I can about living and practicing Holistic health. I am ok being who I am, I don’t sit around pissing and moaning about the misfortunes I have… well in this blog I am, but believe me, I am usually reading, studying and helping out others that are in need of healing. I am delighted with my life. I am happy not working in a stressful job that I hate day in and day out. I am pleased to be where I am, I love my home and my pups. I love that I am learning about the real world, I am seeing the way things are not what society wants me to see. I love being who I am, pain and all. It all comes down to this, I accept me for me. I can’t fix stupid, but I can fix how I deal with it.
I love that I am not this or that, I am me. I love that I can be and do just me. I am letting go of things that are not my business, I am allowing others to take on their own growths. I don’t want to compare myself to anyone else. I can be me, I love that! I follow my heart, not my thoughts. I am not a thought I am all things, and all things are me. I am here to learn to give, to get back, love, be loved, share, be shared with. I am not a punching bag for anyone, and the first thing that I think of is always the right answer. I am here to feel every emotion fully. I base my decisions on what I knew at that time not what I see now. I can say and do anything I want to. I am not stuck nor am I lacking. I am right where I am supposed to be at this moment.
I am tired as well as hurt today, that’s ok that’s where I am supposed to be. I will be taking the day slowly as I do what I want or don’t want to for the day. I trust that I will be taken care of as there is a reason I am here at this moment. I will not be worried about all the things my head can make up. In my heart, I know that the things going on today will not matter in a day or two, five years from now all the stuff I thought was critical now will not be that important. Life is ever changing, we can either resist and fight it all the time or go with the flow as we look for the blessings that will eventually come about. Shhhhhhhhhh take a deep breath, listen to your heart. What would your heart say?