The celebration of Dia de Los Muertos ( Day of the Dead) has been one of my most significant growths in my life. I am finding that when we honor death, we are honor life to it’s fullest. I am so glad that I have faced my fears of death as I walk in peace with my own mortality. Yet I do not feel death is the end I think it is just the beginning. I wish that in my culture we could see death as only another chapter of our existence. Yet for many years we are taught just the opposite. As a young girl through the church, I learned that my body would be put in a hole and there I would remain till Jesus came and took me away. HOW AWFUL TO HAVE THAT IMAGE IN YOUR MIND FOR ALL TIME!!
I love Halloween but this year things are different, and I feel they are from looking deep into my life and finding more than just tricks or treats. I allow the fears of the past to go. Those teaching of limitation, fear as well as lies!
The weather has changed here, and it is so brisk and refreshing. I will miss summer this time, first time ever, Yet I had a fantastic Summer this year, I saw so many beautiful things this year. I have recovered big time in my health this year I am getting rid of what is not helping me to grow.
I see myself as a big fuzzy grizzly bear, the weather gets colder the more I like to snuggle deep into my soft sweaters and sweatshirts. Momma Griz slows down, enjoys the sun more as she gets ready to sleep for the winter months. There is nothing wrong with slowing down and relaxing more. We are to go in this life that we find that we are missing out on the things that need us to slow down to see and enjoy.
I have started to using white light for healing. I had the best dream of flying last night. I haven’t had a vision of flying since I was a little girl. It was so awesome to feel the wind and to see my feet leave the earth. I think of dreams as awakings on the other side, home if you will. My ideas are of a house, where I can be and do anything I want and have. The other hand is just like here, but we have no pain, no one trying to hurt us, no lies and deceit. The other side is so much more than we could ever imagine X infinity. The feeling of freedom is beyond compare. I missed that freedom, I missed that feeling of being able to let go and float off this earth with no fear.
I have feared heights so much here. Lately, I got to where I could not watch people flying in airplanes or watch a roller coaster without feeling sick to my stomach. I fear to die because that meant I would have to leave the ground. It was so bad that even a drive into the mountains where the road was steep I would close my eyes and cry. Then the stress of thinking that I could become an earthbound spirit had me upset. I laugh now, but our limited beliefs can cause all kinds of issues. The more I allow those thoughts to heal the more I free myself.
I am allowing those fear-based thoughts to go, I am letting go of things that do not matter, we are taught to worry about things that do not matter. I have been hearing a lot of things that my ex-husband used to say to me coming up. They are bubbling up from deep inside and coming to the surface for me to be with. He was very critical of me, he didn’t see me as a gift or someone who tried to help him to exceed his limited thoughts. In the end, he chose to be his defined thoughts, he barely exists in this world. I have not seen him change in any way but become meaner that he was with me. He threw his family away and made life about his job, about his anger, about his resentments. Now he hardly see’s his kids and has no more than what he had 15 years ago when I knew him.
I am not sad or sorry, it is what he chose to have in his life, but he did teach me what I do not want in my life. I am so grateful that I listened to my heart and left him where he wanted to be. Oh, at times had missed certain things about him I thought… Yet as I am discovering they were all in my imagination that I had made up about him. I honestly had put in my mind that he was great or did sweet little things, but as I awaken I can see the self-delusional thought of what I imagined in that marriage, I woke to really understand what was before me.
I know love can be blind and I think that is a shame. When we become so absorbed in the want of love that we do not really get to know nor really see the person for who they are, we make the mistake of thinking all there is in life is the need of love from someone anyone. I ran from a very sick mom and dad, I had no idea that I would continue to accept the crap that is not good for me because I failed to heal from my delusional teaching of my parents first. NOWHERE does it say we are here to be in misery all our lives! Yet if we do not grow in the right way we will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, just with different people. It is so important that we heal from our past hurts, that we get rid of the limited thoughts and that we love ourselves much more than we love others. This holds true for family, children, and friends.
“To thine own self be true,” says Polonius in Hamlet. If you are lying to yourself how can you honestly love to yourself? I lied to myself way too much in my life, I allowed myself to be treated as subpar by way too many people. Yes, people will treat you the way you project yourself, if you are someone who doesn’t like yourself, then you will get said treatment from others. If you love yourself, then you will not allow others to walk all over you.
When I do more for others than myself, I become angry and resentful. Those folks I am doing more for didn’t do anything to me, yet I feel they are taking advantage of me and I start to resent them. I need to kick my own ass, I am the one who is doing too much for them and then expecting that I will get some big reward from them at a later date, no such thing happens at a later time. I then get angry as well as frustrated because they are taking advantage of me. In reality, when one wakes up from their limited belief story, they will see that it all started because they gave too much of themselves thinking they would be repaid. The cycle continues till stopped.
That being said there are those who will stop everything, they end giving, they recluse, or will find ways to be very busy, so they do not have to face the fact that they need to heal and be more loving to themselves. It is so much easier to hide behind being too busy than to stop, allow the knowledge of what you are doing to come and sit with you for awhile. It is hard for people to love themselves back to being whole. My husband is like that, he will work himself into the ground before he stops and enjoys himself. He then finds that I will distance myself as a safety mechanism so as not to allow him to try and use me as a distraction. He thinks I am mean or unloving, but the best thing I can do for him is to allow him to find his limited fear-based thoughts so he can heal himself into a wholeness. I can not do this for him, and if his choice is to not to face these things, then I will stay distant till he has stopped being demanding or uncaring.
I am not being mean it is only right that I take care of myself at this time so that I do not get stressed or resentful at something I can not change or control. I can only manage what I need. I do this with Family and friends. We have to set limits on what others try to take. I find that if we are faithful to ourselves, we do not have to worry about taking to much from others, or that we will allow them to take to much from us.
So there you have another week of significant changes as well as enormous healings. I am happy it is the weekend. Next week we are getting ready for snow, I think that this Halloween may be a snowy one. I am so excited! The day of the Dead I will be at home warm enjoying it with my loved ones from the other side.