Today I have seen the evil of all evils. I am sad, but I can understand now what I am up against. I have had issues with my daughter for many years now. I am so sad that hate seems to have overtaken my child and she has found herself in a delusional state of being. I can not help her, only she is the one who can help herself out of this situation. I know there are others out there that have lost a child to, well you name it they have lost them to it. As much as we love and care for them, there comes a time when you have to save yourself from the evil they are wrapped up in.
I’m sad of course, and as a loving, caring mom, I would do anything to help my child out. I have been in a quandary on this for a long time. How can someone you have loved, doted over and given life to be so cruel and heartless? Is it that this spiritual being in a human suit evil? I know that there are those who believe in sin, I have seen that there is a dark side to us all I do not think anyone to be evil, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am supposed to learn that it is evil in this world and that they can be your own kid.
We are all capable of being evil I think, it is a choice. I do not believe we are born evil but what makes one turn to the dark side of themselves and do the harm they do? I love very much yet I am told that I am a victim, is it because I care and love so deeply? I do not feel that I am a victim. I do stand up for what is right and if threatened or yelled at I will walk away. I do feel every emotion very profoundly as well. Does that make me a victim? If this is the definition of a victim than placing my picture, there would be a good idea. I do not think that she knows the exact meaning of victim though. After the letter and the words, she has sent yes I would be considered a victim.
Victim: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. A person who is tricked or duped.
It isn’t helping that my ex-husband is egging this on and feels like he has a way of getting back at me. I do believe that hate only hurts the hater. I do think that there are sick people who will find the lies that they tell, or that they are so deep in their lies that they feel they can not turn around and ask for help. I think that this is just one of the things going on with my daughter. She has an illness, jealousy, a hurt from her past that she is embarrassed about and has yet to recover and heal from. I feel she is in such a delusional state of mind. I hurt her.
I know that while I write this, I may sound so matter of fact, yet for years I have been haunted by these lies she defends and lies more to make herself feel better about. I have sought counsel, and I have been told that she has an illness maybe even bipolar disorder. I am frightened for my grandchild, but as she lives with my ex, I can not do anything at this time. I do find solace in the fact that my little angel my granddaughter is ok and has not shown any signs of distress. She does ask for her grandma, but she is being taken care of so far. I have cried, prayed and pleaded, I have dealt with debilitating depression, and there are times that I wake up with such grieve.
I didn’t have a loving mom, she was very mean to me and my siblings I vowed to never be like her. I gave my daughter way too much, and I don’t think that was healthy. I respect and love my mom, but I never got the love I craved from her, but I did give those things to my daughter, I would never treat my mom with the hate and ugliness my daughter shows me. I know this is growth for me as well. I am working on letting things be so that it does not make me sick and cause me to not enjoy my life. I do know that love would be more comfortable for her yet she has to find her own way.
I have to close this chapter in my life and go on. After the letter she sent me last night, I find that I can now understand how sick she really is, I can walk away and allow her to deal with the nightmare she has created. I feel very sorry for her! It is remarkably hard and with a heavy heart that I find myself having to let go and allow them both to go on their way. I do fear my daughter and do not want her to be around my husband and me as she has accused us of some very awful things. We have given her a home as well as a place to live we have raised her daughter for two years and yet for some reason, she has lost that site, she does not remember, or she doesn’t want to forget all that we did for her. I do not feel she owes me one thing, but I sure do not understand the hate she has inflicted on us for so long.
It is with a broken heart that I have had to deal with this and yet still I find that I forgive and love my daughter very much. I do know that I did nothing wrong but love and take to much shit from my daughter. I was reminded this by her brothers as they are furious about how she has treated them as well. It is strange to see a person you love so much to live with unreality like she has been. There is no way to get her to understand even when you give her the facts or also show her the events. We can only protect ourselves and allow them to go on.
So we have both evil and good in us, and we have the right to decide which one we will follow. I find that evil is so much harder to have to deal with for it seems to bring more evil and hardship to the person. I would rather be a giving, loving person than someone who hates and hurts others.
Yet we are all here to learn different things to walk on different paths as they say. So It is with great regret that I allow my daughter and my granddaughter to go. I will not be a punching dummy for her. I can only change how I deal with what is in front of me. I can not turn anyone, and as she has shown, she doesn’t want to listen. Love can heal all wounds, time does heal and hate only hurts that hater. I will not hate her I love her very much, and she will have to live with what she is and has done.
Is there evil in the world, yes and no, it is by choice that we allow evil to be our guide. I don’t anyone thinks that your loved one will follow that path, but I gave her life to live it the way she wants to. I was blessed to have had the time to love, nurture and play with her. It is like a death that I must grieve and allow to be. I will cry many tears as I have the tears pour down my face as I type this. It is not my dream that she not be in my life, far from it, I had pictured her, and I would do many things together. Yet that is not what was meant to be. Life can be so cruel, life can really slap us down. I will take the time to be angry, resentful, depressed, upset, in disbelief, heartbreak, and all the other emotions when it comes to a death in the family. Yes, it is death that I will be getting through, there will be days it will take my breath away, there will be days I will be ok and understanding.
Life is messy, it has no right or wrong course of action. Life is to be lived and to be experienced no matter how sad and ugly it gets. I am here to live life fully, not safe and happy.
I am off to go relax and cry. I am so tired, but I am glad I got to write out my feelings. My writing helps me to deal and learn what is happening in my life.