Why do we demonize bad moods and depression? Why are we medicating, walking or running away from our need to stop and be in a spirit that has been categorized as dangerous? I am so tired of seeing memes on Facebook, Instagram, twitter that says we should run, walk, exercise ourselves out of feeling anything much less anger, sadness, depression. WHY?? As I leave the matrix of non-human emotion twilight Zone, I am seeing that my illnesses my frustrations and the plethora of other stagnated feelings I have repressed are finally getting solved and figured out! I gave myself permission to be ok, sad, angry, mad, upset, lonely, depressed… and I love that!!
How come no one asks why anymore, how come we are lead around with a loop in our nose and never ask why?? Why is depression a mental problem? Example — a psychological condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep. Why are these feelings wrong, why are they not right. Who made it right or wrong on how we feel? Me, Myself, I am the only one able to judge these feelings, there is no rule to what is wrong or right.
It’s been tough to see my sister n law struggling to win a fight that has so many things stacked against her. I am reminded as I watch her struggle to live about my own bout with death. NO one can understand this that has not been there!! I am sure they can be sympathetic but until they feel that darkness start to take your site, your breath the very dreams of yours away and you see only the nothingness then you have no idea what we have gone through. NOR SHOULD YOU!!
To struggle to survive is probably the most painful experience you will ever go through. NOT even childbirth is that painful, and I had given birth three-time all naturally. I have struggled with Depression all my life as well. How could I not? Most of us are on a triangle of destruction that we play every day every moment in our heads. A beautiful Lady on EOL community shared an article about this very thing. https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/
I watched as my Sister-n-law sat there in a chair barely moving, she is terribly swollen in her face her eyes barely slits. I held her hand and told her she could do this, but she will have to do this alone. Anyone who has survived a health crisis of this magnitude knows that there isn’t any help like what you can give yourself. In fact, this is when you really need to start to listen to your heart, not your HEAD!!
She is barely alive with all the radiation they are pumping into her body, her mother is hell bent as well as her husband that this is the only way for her to fight her cancer. I stand there mad and frustrated, as they tell her these things. How can this be the answer she is worse off than when she began. She is dying in front of them, and they are all about being right!! I bought a lot of CBD oil for her, this isn’t the cheap stuff this is the right stuff. This is the CBD that I have researched for weeks and weeks. I have tried it tested it on myself. I took classes in it, went to seminars, talked to researchers, I am not a rescuer I am the rescued.
Then the mom in law starts to make this all about her attitude, I can understand this as well, her baby is dying, and there isn’t one mother out there that wouldn’t walk on fire to get their child well. I explain what I am learning and living what I know in my heart. It’s not easy for people to let go of their fear of limited thoughts and beliefs, it angers them when a part of them dies from learning the untruth of what they have believed for decades. In fact, they get pissed and start to justify their actions.
I get my ass chewed out, and she walks away angrily. I have no reason to allow this, I am tired I am still fighting my own fight. I am winning, my sister n law isn’t. I walk out for some fresh air. I am pissed, I took time out of my day to try and help, hundreds of dollars out of my pocket to give them something I believe in. I don’t want much, how about you shut the fuck up and listen. That’s all I was looking for. Guess what my choice not to do this ever again. I shared, I helped I did the best I could. Now I get to walk away, and you can deal with what you are creating!
That’s the anger and frustration coming out, when I get cooled off I can understand that it’s ok they made the best decision, with the knowledge they were given. It was what they chose not my choice. There is no right or wrong decision, just a lack of information that can cause more harm down the road.
My question though those of you who are being hurt by the medical, want to die in pain or do you want to live without the pain? I would rather have some discomfort than to go through living pain!!
Yes, I am beyond angry, I sat through three days of lectures from some of the most prestigious Doctors, professor, those who have thousands of hours of research and have lived to tell their stories. They are survivors of medical fuck ups, yes let’s call it like I see it. Doctors are messing us up they are fucking killing us and yet we hear nothing not one damn thing about the killings they are doing every day!! How can someone look at my sister n law give her poison that you know causing more harm than good and call yourself a caring human being? You are a monster to watch so many suffer and still collect your paycheck at the end of the day. HOW does it feel to cash that blood money?? I give away more than I have ever seen, I want the masses to learn to grow to know they have the power to get well! We have the ability to kill cancer, to get over depression to get well!!! But there is no money to be made for healing true healing.
Depression isn’t a disease, I have had depression all my life. I think of it as a timeout. It is that time I can go deep into the darkness that is me and find the hurt. I watch as my sister n Law struggles. I have my own memories of the pain swirling around me, remembering how I struggled to wake up to even eat. The pain that would take me down again as if I was in a lake and not able to get to the surface for a breath of air. My body trying so hard to get rid of the medicine that was killing my organs my brain. My body racked with convulsions as my children watch my eyes roll into the back of my head with each severe tremor. I was so alone, not one person could help me I had only me.
My husband called me delusional my kids were angry, I had only me. It was the loneliest place I have ever been. I struggled to fight them as I fought for my life. We are a society of ugly people, we want people to get over it, stop hurting, get well quickly. You are a bother when you are sick. The animal kingdom is kinder at least they leave you to either live or die. Not humans they fight over how you are miss treating them. How day you get angry, that you get frustrated!!
I stood there with all these memories flooding my world, I can see me losing the battle of life, I start to plan to die. I make plans to go home so I can die in my home state, I don’t trust my husband to bring back my ashes. I wanted to be home in my mountains to await death. It was comforting it was a goal for me. I was alone in pain and could feel my spirit was ready to leave my human form, I needed to get home now. It kept me alive thinking about getting back.
I am in a cloud of thought as I the world becomes quiet and I can hear the murmurs of voices around me, I am fighting not to run away. It is hard to stand there and be strong, I start to tell myself this isn’t me, I am here to help. I am well, this isn’t me. I shut down, withdrawal a little.
My husband walks up to his sister and says the ugliest thing he could say to her, “you need to be nicer to mom.” !!! What the Fuck are you saying my heart screams out!! How in the hell can you look at this dying, swollen woman and tell her she needs to be nicer. I say what I needed to say. ” My sister-n-law doesn’t need to be nicer, she isn’t doing anything to your mother, she is in pain and is surviving, and I know if she were right in her mind she wouldn’t hurt your mom! It’s not about you two it’s about her, she is in survival mode!”
I said this right in from of my mother in law. I went over to her and put my hands on her shoulder she was cold and very stiff. It’s not about you when someone is hurting, it isn’t about you when they are struggling to live!! It’s about the person who is trying to survive.
The whole time all this is going on the caretaker they have for my sister n law is a fruitcake of a person who has all kinds of issues but looks really well. IN her mind she needs the attention no matter what you tell this gal she has to let you know that she has more wrong with her. She isn’t listening she is just waiting till you shut up so she can continue to tell you what is wrong with them. The only thing wrong with her is that she has a victim complex and she needs to let it go.
I got out of there and cried, I cried from my past issues of hurt, I cried at the lack of compassion this family has for the plight in front of them. I cried at the loss that we will see here very soon if they don’t stop trying to be right! I am so sorry that this unfortunate lovely lady has to go through this, I was sad that I had to. It is the truth that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and if we do it right, we come out on the other side feeling more than we have ever felt before in our lives.
Depression… I still get it, I got a bought yesterday after all the crap that went down the day before…depression is my little safe haven. I can find solace there, I am alone to be just me, I can pull my energies in and allow the world to go on. I don’t camp there, too many other pretty places to see, but it is my own little world that I can make a happy place to visit. It’s okay to be sad, frustrated, angry, tired there. It’s okay to shut off the world and just be me with just me! We are taught that depression is a dangerous place to be, WHY? Why is it not ok to shut out the world and cry, why is it a bad thing to not do anything for a day or two and be within yourself? I feel it is a necessary way, it is like all our other emotions, we need to be with them we need to experience them. I need my depression. Depression has gotten a bad rap, it isn’t a bad thing it is a good thing. I find that when we can understand depression for the beautiful gift it is, then we will stop drugging it, demonizing it and use it as a healing tool instead.
I find I get more creative when I have my depressive states, I come out happier and love life more. I am not hiding, I am not looking for attention, I am not looking for anything from anyone. I am looking into me for all those answers. I am not alone I am with great company, I am with me. Our world will change, but we have to stop looking to be right, stop being victims and stop looking for a one pill cure when we have destroyed our bodies for years with all the gunk the government has been teaching and feeding us.
I am off to go enjoy my depression today. I need it after the day I had yesterday. How about you? You going to start to experience your awareness?