Yesterday was gorgeous, the morning started off brisk but then when the fluffy mountain clouds burned off the sun was warm and inviting. The trails were full of multi-colored beautiful butterflies that fluttered in and around my four wheeler. I got to thinking of my week and how these butterflies were symbolic of what I have been experiencing. One moment I would be on top of the world chasing the dreams of what I would like to accomplish and then I would find myself in a deep dark depression. I meditated on this phenomenon as I rode up and down this path cut through our rocky mountains. My pain is out of control, I have not been working on controlling it like I once was. I know it is wearing me down not only physically but mentally, I feel the spirit sufferers from this as well. How could it not? To be trapped in a body of constant pain would make me sad.
Why is it we go from being on top of the world in true happiness to have ourselves fall into a pit of despair and depression the next? One moment we can see all that we have and be truly grateful and then the next moment we feel as if we have absolutely nothing. This week I am having those thoughts, I feel so alone and this disheartens me. I have sat with my deep dark side and cried a million tears this week, I have hurt, been angry and all and all just feel like I am losing my shit. I look to Buddha for some insight.
Buddhism is not learning about strange beliefs from faraway lands. It is about looking at and thinking about our own lives. It shows us how to understand ourselves and how to cope with our daily problems.
I watched the mountains change in terrain going from the dense forest to the wide open clearings where you can see mountain range and awesome green pastures all while sitting on top of another mountain. The pain I suffer with gone for that day, the joy of being outside in the wind the scent of the mountains surrounding my senses. To be a fully involved human is hard. When fully awaken to feel the whole emotional side of the human being can be torture. I have had to find ways to be able to control the incoming information I get. Oh but that is a false statement I can no longer control the emotions just like I can not control the way the winds blow.
I am in pain in my home day in and day out, only last night was it bearable for the first time in a long while. Why I wondered? Life is full of limited miss represented information. You can only go by your own feelings and thoughts. It makes one feel alone in this world. I have found that if I do not shut down as well as shut out the miss information I hurt more, I am depressed more I am lost in a sea of misinformation.
1. Right View. The right way to think about life is to see the world through the eyes of the Buddha–with wisdom and compassion.
2. Right Thought. We are what we think. Clear and kind thoughts build good, strong characters.
3. Right Speech. By speaking kind and helpful words, we are respected and trusted by everyone.
4. Right, Conduct. No matter what we say, others know us from the way we behave. Before we criticize others, we should first see what we do ourselves.
5. Right Livelihood. This means choosing a job that does not hurt others. The Buddha said, “Do not earn your living by harming others. Do not seek happiness by making others unhappy.”
6. Right Effort. A worthwhile life means doing our best at all times and having good will toward others. This also means not wasting effort on things that harm ourselves and others.
7. Right Mindfulness. This means being aware of our thoughts, words, and deeds.
8. Right Concentration. Focus on one thought or object at a time. By doing this, we can be quiet and attain true peace of mind.
I found while riding my quad a place of solace a place to mourn my little companion dog, Sasha. I had an epiphany of how my life is going. I am very grateful for all I have and am doing, but I am not happy with how it is going, I am tired of not being able to control this pain I am suffering with, so I am heading back to the drawing board and will be looking into herbal treatments that will help me face the gauntlet that the pharmaceuticals have thrown me into. I know that I have to heal me before I can heal anyone else. I have been doing the opposite.
Robert Scott Bell said it so well the other day, help heal you first and the world will follow. I recognized yesterday that I have a hard time allowing myself to care about me right now. I keep distracting myself with trying to help others. I love that about me, but I need to STOP! I am losing me in the process. I feel like my life is like the butterflies I was chasing yesterday, I have many beautiful ways about me and I need to allow follow them around and let go of everything else. The world will figure out what it needs, other people we follow the path they need to be on. I need to let them go and allow myself this time to follow my heart’s desires. When I decided to mind my own business and let go I find my way, I get those happy flutters, my heart is excited about what I will find, I look forward to what life has in store for me.
The multi-color of life is fluttering around going from one place to the next not worried about the outcome or who it will bother. I wasn’t bothered by the way the butterflies danced around me, as they were happy to be where they were and I was happy being where I was. I have to keep that thought in my mind and make that a normal thought. I find that I am thinking outside of me, trying to find a pain free happy life outside of me. I have the knowledge to help me but I need to look inward. This morning as I was cleaning out outside I noticed several monarch butterflies flying around a yellow flowering bush. I didn’t notice it earlier but there were so many monarch butterflies feeding on this lovely bush. When I stop thinking, take notice I am rewarded in the site of pure nature at its best.
I love how we came upon some black Angus cows, they were so pretty, momma’s with their babies grazing on the trails. The babies were a little skittish as I passed by but the momma’s made it clear that we were invading their sunny retreat. I spoke softly as I slowly passed by, “its ok momma I am no harm to you and your babies”. The soft brown eyes, the slick way her hair laid she smelled of nature, not a scent I wish glade would create but it still was a good scent for outside. My heart felt alive as I breathed out the depression, the hurt the confusion of my past days. Nature does heal, the geology of where we are has been shown to be either a place of peace and healing or it can be a place of illness.
Can we be happy in our homes if we are not happy with the state we live in? NO, I do not think so. I have seen this many times. You can be placed in a state due to a job or other reasons, if you are not happy in that state you will not find a happy medium in your life. Once you can see this the thought of moving may be the only way to gain back your health or happiness. As a human being, we are not meant to be in one place all our lives, it is in our nature to be discovered. The old saying: All work and no play make’s Jack a dull boy is a proverb. It means that without time off from work, a person becomes both bored and boring. I see this happening more and more instant zombie apocalypse.
I tried really hard to balance being there for those who are not awake, trying to help with healing when they will not educate themselves and all I got out of it was downtime on me. I fell into depression, sickness, and more pain. It’s so hard to let go of those things we know, I know because I am living it. To allow your own death of the old you as you get rid of the old, past, limited thoughts and beliefs you have lived with for decades, is a horrible feeling. I feel better when I don’t fight the process and allow the death of the old me. Yet it is self-perseverance that keeps us clinging on to the old thoughts. It’s hard to see our old self-die.
I am struggling with the limitations my illness has placed upon me, it is the fight of the old self-trying to keep going and doing what it has for forever. I have to allow that part of me to die. I think of it as cancer, it is a scary word, it can cause a lot of horrible thoughts to come up. The biggest scariest part of Cancer is that it is the death of the old you, having to face your mortality, you have to change the way you have been. Yet we are lazy so instead of researching, education and find a way to help ourselves, we will take the easy way and allow someone else that control, we will find a way to distract ourselves from finding that which can cure us. We are too lazy to let go of a depressing job, or a boring nonfulfilling lifestyle, or dead marriage. It is easier to keep those things than to let them go. If we knew what the outcome would be we would have an easier time of letting go, but that takes work and faith.
I have found this out first hand, when I do not allow the death of the old me to happen I find that I distracting myself as I try not to see the inevitable. I do not like the death of me, but once it happens I am better for it, I am stronger and I find peace once more. I am not happy right now, I am ok with that, in fact, it is great. I don’t have to go do anything radical, I know that just acknowledging that I am not happy as well as being in a lot of pain, is really helping me. I know that I am on a journey to find my happiness as I find my wellness. Chronic pain is causing me a lot of issues, I need to face it and look harder into what I can do to help find a cure. The first and foremost way to the path of getting better is when you can face what is not well in your life.
I am not happy right now, I am ok with that, in fact, it is great. I don’t have to go do anything radical, I know that just acknowledging that I am not happy as well as being in a lot of pain, is really helping me. I know that I am on a journey to find my happiness as I find my wellness. Chronic pain is causing me a lot of issues, I need to face it and look harder into what I can do to help find a cure. The first and foremost way to the path of getting better is when you can face what is not well in your life.
One more thought… when you are suffering from something like this is that Karma? Was I once a doctor who did horrible acts on my fellow human being in the name of science or worse profit? I ask for forgiveness as I try to help heal myself so one day I can help heal my brothers and sisters down the road.
I’m not well… so I will be taking some time off for me. I hate to have to say no to others in need but I am on empty and I can not get myself back up. And as Kyle Cease says when we are lost and have no idea what to do “And I love that!”