My Friend…

I have had this really strange feeling for several days, and I can not seem to figure it out that is till today.  I was playing some songs today as I was cleaning the house. Stop, I want to start from the beginning.  This strange feeling I have had was like I am missing something very important to me.  I have looked deep inside and meditated on it, yet it seemed to be out of my mental grasp by only mere inches.    I have allowed the feeling to come and go like a lazy ocean.

I started to get depressed as this feeling keeps ebbing and flowing through me as I go about my days. I prayed on it and even tried to ignore it after awhile, yet the feeling got stronger and I could not ignore it.  The feeling kept feeling like I lost someone. I know I am ok about my sister being gone.  Ohh I miss her so much but I can feel her.  This someone is still among the living.  I thought it was my kids but they are all doing well and doing their things.  I am great with that.  Still this depression, loneliness kept creeping in.  I have this really neat way of knowing someone is thinking about me and it only happens with one certain person.  My nose itches, I had this happen a few times but I didn’t hear from them.

I go to bed being ever so grateful for all the blessings I have, I feel like life is turning around for me, yet there that lonely feeling that miss someone always haunting my every waking moment.  So we get back to me playing this album which I have played several times since I got it. But there was this one song that really made me turn and stare at the CD player.  It was describing how I felt to a “T”  I am missing my friend that I have been close to for 20 years, and all of a sudden the letters have stopped and I know I am losing them.  I don’t know why.

The lyrics of this song really described what I have been searching for.  I am lost without this friend.  WE both are married and that is what makes us so special, we have the best of both worlds, we are learning to experience every little moment of this world and having each other out there that we can reach out to and tell one another our deepest feelings or the painful ones or the hard parts of our lives, it is and has been the best gift in the world.  But I am losing that and my heart knows it.  I know there are some things we are supposed to let go of but there are other things we should hold on to with an iron clad fist.  Like the ocean friends can ebb and flow but there seems to always be a silver thread that holds them together especially when it is special and has transversed the limits of time.

This song brought out the pain, the depression and the loneliness I have been dealing with.  I can’t fill this void with anything but love.  There are times we must fight for that love that is on the deepest level and not forget a moment of it.  I think that there are those gifts of memories of a person that you keep getting reminded of for a purpose.  If it isn’t meant to be it fades away and yes you remember them but it doesn’t seem to show up in the heart or have emotions attached to it.

I am a bit better after sitting and listening to this song for a while, I even sent it to them hoping it would speak volumes to their heart and let them know that they are very much a part of me, that means so much more than this life’s journey.   Why have we become afraid to live fully in this life, why is it not ok to tell one another what we have deep inside our hearts.  Why when we are all the same we all feel the same we bleed the same, why are their rules to keep us from living fully.  I am tired of fearing saying what I feel, the mind can see what we will lose but it doesn’t see what we can gain.

Why have we become afraid to live fully in this life, why is it not ok to tell one another what we feel deep inside our hearts.  We are all the same, we all feel the same, we bleed the same, why then are their rules to keeping us from living fully.  I am tired of fearing saying what I feel, the mind can see what we will lose but it doesn’t see what we can gain. I give my self-permission to say what is in my heart, I need to.

So I will put my heart out there and I will say I miss them and that I am tired of fearing that they will let me go.  I miss you, you’re my best friend and I am tired of waiting to hear from you.  It is time you find your heart and allow yourself to live fully.  I don’t want to let you go because society says we have to be this way or that way.   I will always remember those times we talked for hours and hours, the pains we shared the love we always said at the end of a phone call.  No, I am not asking you to stop living the life you are right now, but I am asking you to make me part of it more.

There are no rules to life, we live the best we can and we are meant to live fully.  I am not afraid to put it out there.  I love you my friend and I always will.  That magic we all search for is out there and it might just be a special someone you are best friends with.  Make time for them, don’t let them go. There will be one day when you are close to leaving this place and they will be there to meet you once more.   Be brave and know that love doesn’t make mistakes.  I do feel better because I am able to tell this wonderful person that I am not going anywhere and asking don’t let me go!

I am living life fully, I know that if we listen and allow we will find the answers.  Like Kyle Cease said last night we can find the answers in the silence or in my case a song.  I am grateful I am able to feel every moment and live life to its fullest.  No matter how messy life is we are here to see it all, taste it all, feel it all, love it all, be it all, fear it all and remember it all!  Don’t ever fear to say it all either!

 

WWYHS

Lyrics

This time, this place misused, mistakes
Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait
Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know, you know, you know

That I love you
I’ve loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
And you’ll never go
Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all I’d give for us
Give anything, but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know, you know, you know

That I love you
I’ve loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
And you’ll never go
Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore

So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted, I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed, I need to hear you say
That I love you, I’ve loved you all along
And I forgive you, for being away for far too long
So keep breathing, ’cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me and
Never let me go, keep breathing
Keep breathing, ’cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me and
Never let me go, keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go

 

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