From one extreme to another

I am back among the living, after getting over a painful bout of the emotional leaky gut and the ER visit that caused me more problems than good.  I am don’t going on with the mistake of our medical community, for now, that is.  I will truly never be done preaching about how awful our medical health departments are until no more people die or suffer at their incompetence.  One thing I have found out through this experience is that it is very easy to go from one extreme to another when we are trying so hard to heal or do right.

I thought I was doing very well on my healing adventures, yet I went from one limited thought to another limited thought.  My heart knew I was doing this but the mind had me thinking I was making leaps and bounds.  Don’t get me wrong I have been making some great progress in my healing past limited thoughts and beliefs, yet I got stuck in this thought and then became a zombie to that thought.

Let me see if I can explain that a bit better.  I am meditating like crazy and looking<—- that being my biggest mistake (LOOKING) It’s like a possession to look for things to heal, to become embedded in the guise of making yourself better.  The mind can play really well with this and make you think that you are on a big discovery of healing the past or several past hurts.  All I did was go from one healing crisis to making another healing crisis to heal.  The mind loves to make up problems so we have something to fix if it can’t make up a problem then it will become distracted.  Why this happens I don’t know but I found myself inside of this trap to heal and fix and then ended up in the ER.

I am recovering from the poisons of the meds I was given, finally feeling like myself again.  It’s crazy that the medical doctors gave me pecide in an IV when it is needed in the digestive system.  I can not understand the reasoning.  I even asked my sister who was a Pharmaceutical tech and she had no idea why either.

I noticed a couple of posts come across the EOL community where people are asking how they can catch up with others in their healing.  It isn’t a competition we are all discovering who we are in our own time. I think you can go from one addiction to another if you are not careful, in fact when you feel like you need someone else opinion you need to close off the facebook and go deep inside for a while.  There is no right or wrong way of healing our past limited thoughts.  I got on that same thought pattern and thought I needed to be further along than what I was.  I am fine where I am at.  There is no work in healing.  When it becomes work then you need to let go and walk away. My heart tells me that when I want to make it harder than it is supposed to be and my body is showing signs of extreme stress it is time to reevaluate my thoughts on this self-discovery.  I know that I need to keep this in the same context of being child like in my thoughts on things.  I want it to be a fun adventure, not a chore to do.

I am learning how to eat so that it is healing and fun but not a chore of picking what I can not have.  I was getting depressed finding that most of the stuff I thought I could have was becoming a hurt on my body.  Not because it was bad but because I was turning everything into a job or self-discovery a worry and stressful habit.  I am a deep thinker and feeler.  I want to know the why, how and what for. Yet that can lead to me feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts.  I have this awful feeling every time I am lying in bed all safe and warm that I need to get up and get busy.  I Love that!  I wondered today why I do that, the thought of my mom coming in and telling me to get up and stop wasting the day came to mind.  It was as if she couldn’t stand anyone around her enjoy a relaxing time.  She had to be doing something all the time, very few days did I see her with a cup of tea and a good book sitting and enjoying herself. WHY?

Even going somewhere where you really want to go can become a work and then the joy is crushed out of it because of the work you think you have to put into it. I learned this morning that when you want to not go then don’t go if you made plans with someone and then you hope they will cancel that’s your cue that you need to cancel.   Meditation, eating well and going places shouldn’t be a stressful problem, for a child, it would be an exciting journey with no thoughts but being able to go, eat and enjoy.   That’s what I want to bring more into my life again.  Laughing out Loud.  I need to figure out how to keep what makes me happy and let go of the thing that doesn’t.

Mantra: Breath in… Breath out… Ask yourself, what makes me happy?  Let everything else go. Repeat…

I am so excited that I am finally feeling like the old me again.  I was so sad when I went down in my health and started to have issues with my health again.  I am so glad that I gave into it, allowed all those frightening thoughts to come up and watch as they faded away.  I actually was ok if it was to be the end of my life, I looked back and saw all the good I had done, all the mistakes I had made and all the love I gave.  I began to feel much better as I accepted that I may very well go back into the illnesses I have been suffering with for the past 9 years. It was a defeated feeling I didn’t know what else to do, I was having the same issues I had before, my mind was full of remorse and resentments, yet when I looked into why I was having these issues I couldn’t see where I had gone wrong.

I didn’t do anything wrong I was doing all I could to learn to heal, it was when I made it a chore, a job a have to do these things that caused me to fail.  My body felt the stress even though my mind was happy with the fixing me part.  My heart was confused so my body did what it had to, it got my attention with pain.  My pain in my emotional gut was my warning that I was going back into that same fix it so I can be a happy place. We are not here in the world to be happy we are here to live fully ( Kyle Cease). Yet all the stuff I was trying to fix that I was creating was making things worse.  There is no fixing in life, life is all those things you do that you get to learn from.  I was worried about everything going back to the way it was, when in fact I was creating that very problem.  There are no problems, I am fine, I am doing what I need to, I just forgot to have fun doing those things.  Even my writing had become a chore.

I love to write but found I was skipping days because I was trying to think of what I needed to type about, the fun of just allowing the creativity to come bubbling up was dowsed by the need to have it sound good, be acceptable for others, I even made the mistake of posting my writing on the EOL community and then got mad and sadden because no one liked it.  IN fact, the EOL community has become worse than Facebook to me.  I see all these people making videos of their trials and tribulations and yet the next one that comes out is almost like they are competing to be even sadder or lonelier than the next person.  I am unjoining today.  I don’t want to post and then wait and watch to see if anyone sees or cares about it.  WHO GIVES A SHIT?! I finally told my sister yesterday that I am a writer, I have wanted to be a writer all my life, I listen to those who I thought loved me, I wanted their approval and all I got was that isn’t a real job.  Well, it is to me!! I am a writer and I love that!!

I think that there is a difference in healing and when you are looking for a one time cure.  I am finding out that healing is living every day to its fullest.  I am not meant to find a one way only cure to all things.  That every day is different so there will be all kinds of different ways to do things.  If you feel out of sorts that is a great thing.  When we find we are in a routine, that’s when we need to look deeper into what we are doing.  I have found I need to be more aware of my surroundings and what I am doing, because I know the ego likes routine, be it the way you wake up in the morning or what you do on your days off.  I am also seeing that I will try and find herbal remedies that I want a one pill fix.  The ego is really tricky and wants us to feel secure in the mundane things in life.  But being secure and safe in a rut is not living and learning.  In fact, it is a kind of death that we fall into and then one day wake up on our death beds and find we lost out in living.

I hope to share more of the good things I am finding, the love I am sharing, allowing more of the child that is in me to come shining through.  I am ready to go play in the sun and rain.  Hope I find you out there as well.  One word of caution, when you find that you are doing something every day the same way, be it sharing on Facebook or checking on Twitter or Instagram, you might want to look closer into why you are distracting yourself.  When we can sit quietly with ourselves and talk deeply from the heart, that’s when we find we are truly living.  Breath in… Breath out… Ask yourself, what makes me happy?  Let everything else go. Repeat…



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