What a week, got to go to the mountains three times this week. I can feel it too. I am much more relaxed and happier. I really love going up into those hills and losing the day to nothing but scents and sounds. Standing by a stream and watching as the water swirled and bubbles is the best past time in the world.
Today was marked as a major event. It was the earth’s turn to see the amazing moon turn off the lights of the sun. It is pretty cool but monumental? I don’t think so I think there are much better things out there. Yet as I turned on the tv, bracing myself for sirens, fires erupting and throes of people screaming as mass destruction ensued, I was glad to see that all was peaceful and calm. I think the only hiccup was the traffic from all those who wanted to see the totality of the eclipse.
My remembrance of my trip yesterday was still on my mind as I got to see the eclipse with my husband’s welder helmet. Pretty cool though.
I think I have turned a major stone in my life. I have shared that I have PTSD, as well as Lyme Disease. There are times this combination has destitute me to my home for months at a time. I almost gave up my passion to go four wheeling on my quad, I was to the point of selling my quad this year for fear I was going to injure myself.
A couple of months ago I tried my hand at traveling again on those wonderful dusty trails and fell madly in love with the freedom I found. I also found that I was healing a fear that was haunting me from an accident I had last year on my quad.
The trail I started on was pretty and very smooth, it soon turned into more rock than dirt and I was having this fight with my mind. When one has PTSD our minds are always waiting for the grizzly bear to come out of the shadows. My mind keeps seeing these shadows of cougars or mountain lions as well as the big old grizzly. I keep going through survival techniques as I try to take a picture of a tree or flower. If not careful I could go into a panic at any time. My CBD I take helps a lot. I am able to get out of the house more and I can sit in a social event without feeling like my heart will explode out of my chest and run down the street.
I was on this rough patch of trail, I say trail here with a grain of salt, it’s more of a river bed of rocks and sand. I know that my mind is going to freak out, but my heart is like yes you can rock this part. I am doing pretty well till we hit a really rough patch. I can only describe it as this, the way I see things is much different than what other people see. Most people who see a dip in the road see only an inch of depth to it. I see the grand canyon. The Xanax I took for two years had messed up the way I see things. There are times my world has a constant curvature to it. I am always feeling as if I will walk off the edge of the curved world. I have taught myself to correct this but there are times I can not. When I panic all bets are off. I see improvement but I am still dealing with the sight problem. I have been off of Xanax for over 7 years now.
Well, this lovely road turned into Niagara falls without the water to me. The boulders I was trying to climb with this machine looked bigger than the quad and the ruts were grand canyon deep. It didn’t help that I was almost 11,000 feet above sea level and it was affecting the way my quad was running. My quad started to act like it was vapor locking, for those who never had a vapor locking car, it is the most frustrating feeling to push on the gas pedal and have your car sputter to a crawl and then die. No matter how much you cranked on the ignition it wouldn’t turnover that engine over, if you had been taught to open the gas cap to relieve the pressure, you were gifted the ability to get the thing started and resume your journey.
I started up the hill and that is exactly what happens, the quad sputtered and then died. I could feel the panic rising like a phoenix from the ashes. I tried super hard to keep my cool. I had to have my husband drive my quad up the hill as I climbed up after him on foot. I was winded, to say the least, I thought we were on the mend as I tried again to transverse the steep and rocky trail. I again had the sputter my quad failing to stay alive, but this time I was in the middle of the trail as well as being on a pretty sharp incline. I lost my cool and had a full-on panic attack. My world at that moment was on a sharp decline of staying sane. I wanted off the quad right then and there, I left it after my husband got there to help hold the break, I walked up that stupid mountain in tears and feeling like I had lost all hope. I never wanted to go through this, yet I was so angry. I want to accomplish this I had struggled so hard, I was trying so hard.
I got to a grassy meadow, took my seat off my quad and reached into grab my CBD so I could get my shakes under control, I felt like throwing up, I had a crushing headache, I really felt like I was going to have a heart attack. My mind was telling me to give up, maybe we needed to call in rescue, I wasn’t up for anymore riding. I was all for walking off this mountain and leaving the quad there. What the hell was my mind thinking, I am overweight and really out of shape? I have been in my home recovering for nearly 7 years, this year I have just been able to exercise. Walk off an 11,000-foot mountain. I laugh now, but at that time I was all for the walk. In fact, where is that stupid mountain lion I will welcome him with open arms!
The wait for my CBD to kick in was 15 minutes as I waited for my thoughts to come back to earth I cried and became angrier. I was not going back down the way I came, I didn’t care if I had to put that quad on my back and carry it up this “F’ing” mountain. I was going forward, there was no way I would give up. I had to do this or never make it over this stone I had been carrying around for years. I took a swig of water, packed my stuff up under my seat climbed on this quad like it was a wild stallion and road that trail like I was running from a forest fire. I made it to the top of the trail coming through the trees and out on top of the world. I could see forever the hills the town way in the distance, I felt the fresh air from the rainfall on the mountains beside us. I stood up on my quad and yelled at the top of my lungs “I MADE IT”, such Joy at having made it to the top of this mountain, not just this mountain but the mountain of fear I have been wrestling with for years.
My voice echoed throughout the mountain range, slowly fading away as I took a self-picture of me on top of this magnificent mountain. That day I had conquered more than a fear I had a rebirth of the person I had been searching for. I found my strength, I found out that my heart was way stronger than my mind. I found deep inside a person who has suffered so much and I reached down and hugged the stuffing out of her. I still can feel that excitement and as I type this the tears of joy come pouring down. I have made it to the other side of pain, fear, limited thinking, and beliefs. I will never go back I will always go forward. It was that day I was meant to finally find me, if not for all that I had been working towards it never would have happened.
So back to the eclipse, I think I may have to say that my day before the eclipse was truly monumental! Just saying…
Winks and hugs,