I have two days of writing to catch up on my 100-day challenge so read the first half this morning, and then you can read the other half with sherry and cigars after dinner.
God, universe, the man or woman upstairs has this way of erasing time. What the mind believes about the time you have lost, God has a way of setting the clock back and giving it back to you. I am going to use God in my writing today, but I would like it if you put your higher belief system in there, that is if you want to.
My mind for the past 8 months has been telling me over and over how I am losing time with my Granddaughter. I suffered miserably with this knowledge for those eight long months. It seems like I was without this kid for years not months. I think I can understand why kids just go into a depression whenever mom and dad would say the word, soon.
This weekend I was granted the most priceless gift of seeing my Granddaughter again. It was like a walked into a magical spot of time, where no time had passed. She and I being together felt as if all those months I cried and died inside were for not. I felt as if no time had passed we were just at the moment, the present was all that mattered to us. I cried after she and I had a lovely afternoon together, not because she left but at the miracle, I was handed by God himself. Faith is so misunderstood, I only had learned what I had, to let go and love myself and he would take care of the time. There is no time in the heart, only the fear-based limited belief we have been taught about time.
There is no time when it comes to love! Years can pass, and that love will remain like no time ever passed by. It is the mind that gives up hope, the brain gives up and talks us out of the ever living love that lives just a moment away. If we tell the mind to shut up and mind its own business, follow the heart, we would all have our dreams fulfilled. The brain talks us into the defeat we feel. The mind is what tells us out of those loving moments we can access if we listen to our hearts, that light feeling that makes our world magical. The mind keeps us from these things because it fears its death every time we allow change to happen in us. The mind loves the story it creates.
That day was the best for sure, but the lesson I learned from it was the best thing to happen to me yet. How can you have this happen to you as well? Meditate, meditate and get the monkey mind to shut up. The magic is in the healing of those deep dark places that we find our miracles. It is those leaps of pure faith for that love we know is from the heart, that helps us grow the most. Sitting and excepting that which is based on limited thinking is the hell we have heard and been taught about. Here is the scary part though. YOU will not KNOW IT until you are on your death BED!! If you don’t take the time to love yourself and heal those demons of the past, you are making sure you will not find that which you were supposed to have had.
Your heart knows it’s that little nagging voice you have reminding you of things from the past, be they chances at love you didn’t take, or that sound that tells you that you are still not happy with where you are in life. It is those past limited thoughts that you keep distracting yourself away from, for you know deep down there is a better place to live, and that is in your heart, not your head.
It hurts when you come out of the fog you have surrounded yourself with. The mind can see what you will lose, it doesn’t know what you will gain. That is true faith that leads those to their most significant reward. I had no idea that the pain I went through, the crying the loss of who I once was, would end up bringing me the best treasure in the whole world. Each and every time it is the same, when I live with my heart out there, no matter how much hurt it takes, my reward is more significant than the fear my mind has caused. The loss of those past beliefs, those scary thoughts, those painful realizations, those leaps into the obese, are tiny compared to what is on the other side.
A word of warning here, you can go through the motions of healing the past hurt, but if you don’t live the emotions, you are just wasting your time. Perfect example here, I was so excited to see my little Bug, that is the nickname I have for my granddaughter, she is my ladybug. Anyways I thought I was really doing well here these past two weeks, I was allowing my thoughts to come up, and I would say I love them and I am ok with them. I thought wow I am doing great, yet here is where the mind will mess you UP!! I started to get these itchy spots in different places on my body, I thought maybe I was getting spider bit, but they didn’t act like the typical spider bite I have had, they itched and burned so badly, I felt like I had needles sticking me everytime I touch or even breathed them.
I changed my diet and worked on using different herbs, nothing seemed to help me though. I was getting worried, as new ones were popping up. I felt like maybe the heat and humidity might be causing a different form of prickly heat. One day before the wedding of my son and the day I was to see my Granddaughter I had a panic attack hit me, wild since I hadn’t had one in about two months. I was getting sicker as well.
I stopped and listen to what my mind was telling me. I had been going through the motions, but I wasn’t feeling the emotions. My ego had changed up my thoughts making me feel great about how I was healing these thoughts just by saying I was healing these past hurts. I was not feeling anything I was being tricked into thinking I was improving but in reality, I was hiding.
When I figured this out I sat there and asked myself how I was genuinely feeling from a heart point, I cried and had the worse case of panic attacks hit me. I was dizzy sick with fear and worry, all these emotions came welling up and flooded me with all my past doubts and fears of how this visit could happen. I felt better after a whole afternoon of exploring these emotions, and I was exhausted.
I went to sleep that night very late, I woke very early. I got ready to go and then had another panic attack and thought I would not make it over there. I talked to myself out loud on that drive over there. I told my mind that I didn’t need it to keep limiting me, I was ok, I didn’t need my mind to keep me safe, my heart would make sure I was ok. I didn’t need my mind to have my body ready to flee or fight. I was going to my son’s wedding, not a tiger hunt.
I did make it and had a wonderful time getting to see and be with my daughter and granddaughter. The night was filled with different emotions, I felt grateful, anxiety, fear, and exhausted. I tried to hide from it all. My mind was working me over, and I just couldn’t handle it all, so I went for the distraction of tv and a little game on my phone.
The next day was my son’s wedding reception, I was angry, tired, combative, super sensitive and having panic attacks. My mind was driving me crazy with what-if scenarios. I was so tired and overwhelmed. I took a cleansing breath and let it out slowly, it was like I was watching the whole scene from an out of body experience, everything became mumbled, moving in slow motion. Here was my husband and me having fights, he is screaming at the idiot driver who failed to stop at a stop sign and just pulled out in front of us. I am watching this from a distant place, and I can hear my heartbeat, then it said, this is enough. I started to cry and the world that had slowed down and was just a mumble of words, came back into focus getting loud all in a millisecond.
I told my husband that this was enough we were both having fear based past hurts attacking us, we needed to acknowledge them and let it go. I said let’s go enjoy my boys day, and afterward, we will trash talk about those who we have had past issues with, fist pumps. The nasty things that were happening went away, and we got to enjoy the afternoon, celebrations were awesome, ate way too much and got a tummy ache and trashed talked about those we had past issues with on the way home. It turned out to be a great Afternoon!
I learned a precious lesson, if you are not experiencing the emotions and only going through the motions, you are not healing, and it will come up and haunt you in a very uncomfortable way. YOU have to do the work and get to the healing.