Roll the dice this morning, and draw that card, what will my horoscope say and will my prayers be answered? Prayers in the morning, prayer in the evening, prayers to the moon and back. What was I thinking I wonder this morning at all the rituals I would perform, all the crystals I would wear, the evil eye necklace I had to have before I left the house. I shake my head at the thought of it now, but there was a time I believed in them so whole heartily. I bought self-help book after self-help book, I ask for prayers from others. Yet all the prayers, shiny crystals, self-help books never brought me what comfort I have found this day.
It was hard to believe that there wasn’t anything outside of me that would bring me peace, riches, love, and self-worth. I made it my life goal to find that one thing out there in this world that would help me to feel whole and loved. NO matter what I did, I never saw it. Until now. I thought I would never find the love I wanted so badly. I had resolved myself to thinking I would never see anyone love me like I wanted.
When I really saw that love I was amazed at how easy and straightforward it was. No, it didn’t come to me from outside forces. I found it in me! I still can not believe that I had that kind of love all along and yet never seemed to be able to tap into it. This morning as I meditated my mind brought up and image of me holding my granddaughter, I felt that deep lonely hurt start to creep in, I felt the tears well up, and there would have been a time I would allow it to consume me and cried till I could not cry anymore. I told that feeling I loved it, it was ok to be with me, I thanked it for being there and enjoyed it more. The tears went away, and I felt that crushing hurt leave, I tried really hard to bring that feeling back up. I kept saying it’s ok you can be here I love you, and that hurt wouldn’t come back. I almost got upset because it wouldn’t come back. I have to laugh as I write this. I was so in the zone I was so ready to deal with this pain that had been haunting me for almost nine months. I kept feeling for it, but it didn’t come back.
This morning as I meditated my mind brought up and image of me holding my granddaughter, I felt that deep lonely hurt start to creep in, I felt the tears well up, and there would have been a time I would allow it to consume me and cried till I could not cry anymore. I told that feeling I loved it, it was ok to be with me, I thanked it for being there and liked it more. The tears went away, and I felt that crushing hurt leave, I tried really hard to bring that feeling back up. I kept saying it’s ok you can be here I love you, and that hurt wouldn’t come back. I almost got upset because it wouldn’t come back. I have to laugh as I write this. I was so in the zone I was so ready to deal with this pain that had been haunting me for almost nine months. I kept feeling for it, but it didn’t come back.
The love that I craved was always with me. I feel like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz as she hears Glinda the great witch tell her she could go home whenever she wanted. I had to go through what I have to find my way to that which I have wanted for so long. There isn’t anything outside of us that gives us what we want. It is all inside of us. The key is getting quiet, sitting and being still, facing those past hurts and limited thinking. All the Love that we have ever craved is right there in your body. One only has to go to the self to find it. I know I have read books, seen motivational speakers, gurus who have preached it for years, yet I could not find what they taught. It wasn’t until I turned off the distractions and got quiet that I saw it.
The biggest problem with our society is that we look for what we want outside of ourselves. The anger, resentment we feel is not allowed to be explored, so we find ways to display these feelings on other people. It is so easy for us to jump on a topic that has nothing to do with us, so we have an outlet for our hurts, anger, depression, feelings of lack and the list goes on. It is easier to blame others and hate them than it is to feel our own thoughts, past hurts, and fear-based limited thinking. It should be the other way around, we should find ease in diving deeper into our own thoughts and allow ourselves to feel and express what we think.
I love that I can be angry and say so, I can love that! If I am mad at someone, I know it is because they have reminded me of a deep down past hurt I had shoved down where I could not feel it. The fallacy is that I still think of that injury, I have been ignoring and pushing it down, so I do not have to deal with it. Oh but here is the catch, my reactions to others is the clue that the past hurts I have, need to be allowed to surface so I can heal them.
I can see this shift in thought coming about for others. I am so happy to see this!
It is lovely to find that you have control of everything that happens to you. YOU have control over everything that happens to you! If you’re struck by a meteor well, that’s just wrong luck, or maybe that was what you chose as a way you exit this earth. So cool of you!!
I suffer from some pretty harsh things with this Lyme disease, I get to chose how I react to it. I can become the Lyme Disease, or I can be the person dealing and learning from the Lyme Disease. I am me, I am Just me. I am not what I do, I am a spiritual being having an excellent human experience. I can make it awesome, or I can make it living hell. I can be anything I want, I can choose if I feel the lack of my life or if I feel complete. If I want a change it isn’t up to anyone else it is up to me, I understand that there are those who think that is so selfish. Is it selfish to chose happiness, following your heart and not getting sucked up in the bullshit that we are taught from outside limited beliefs? If that is selfishness than I am a big supporter of that and I’ll be making me a sign to carry by the roadside later today.
I do not need love from outside forces I have more love for me than I have ever found for others. I believe what I have found out that love is not outside of us it is on the inside. When we are complete inside than we can see that those things on the outside are experiences that enhance what I have inside. I am not controlled by them I am able to appreciate and enjoy them, even if they may be on the other side of joy. I can find the love that comes from the harsh, hurtful times.
You are much more than you were taught to be. You have all the control when it comes to how you live this life. It is not selfish to find joy in all your emotions, it is ok to speak your truth. When you react to others, it is because of a past hurt you have forgotten. Be grateful for the past hurts, love them and allow them to go on. Find that love you want you first.
Until tomorrow my love,
WWYHS (What would your heart say)