My Dearest Daughter

This letter has been one of the most heart felt writings I have done so far in my 100 day challenge.

Hello,  How are you doing?  I hope that this letter finds you in good spirits, being loved unconditionally and super excited about life.

I  had to leave you for a while there, I needed to heal.  I see now from all the healing from my past hurts, I hurt others like you.  They were not done on purpose mind you.  My mother was taught these things, as well as her mother and the list, goes on from there.

I have found that I had to forget and heal from my upbringing, for everything I was taught was messed up.  It’s sad to say  I was taught that being a woman was to be subpar to the human race. As a woman I was to be heard not seen, I was taught that a woman was to give all her love and not expect anything back.  It seemed like we are required to get married and have children.  I wanted to be a mommy, unlike my mom.   I dreamed of being many things but I really wanted to be a mom.  I knew I wanted a little girl like you, I dreamed of you as I grew up, I wanted to be someone who loved, more than I was loved.  I wanted to be that cool mom that was there for her kids and taught them to be the best they wanted to be.  It’s hard to teach what you want when you have never been taught those things you would like to teach others. I didn’t have a good role model.

I didn’t get a chance to be that super loving mom, oh I think I loved very hard but I had outside influences always keeping me questioning if I was doing the right things. I had past hurts that I had shoved deep down causing me to have doubts and then repeat the same offense I had experienced as a child.  I didn’t have a partner that was my equal, that person who helps you be the best me I could have been.  How could they, they were as messed up as me.  Noone taught me that it was Ok to be me, to have emotions, to trust in my judgments, to love unconditionally, to heal and let go of those hurts.  I didn’t know what or how those things felt, I had never had them, how the heck was I to give them to you?

I had no idea I could have those things and have a partner that would help me to be the best me ever.  I was taught I had to fight for every right I had, I had to be thankful for all the women who had fought for those rights. The drama, the distractions, the have to be this or that, the worry over others, all the stresses of life.  They were all crap, bullshit, they didn’t matter.  What matter was being there for me, and then being there for you.   How very wrong I was taught! I should have never been made to feel like I was a second class human, in anything,  I am a spirit having a human experience, I have emotions, wants desires just like every other spirit out there in the big old world.  I was worried about fitting in, doing right by others, being something I wasn’t.

I have found that I am perfect, I am the most phenomenal being on this earth.  You came from perfection, and you are so much bigger than I ever let you know.  I didn’t know.  I am bigger than I ever thought, and I didn’t get to pass that down to you… YET!  I get to tell you now I thank God that I am able to. You have always been perfect, from the top of your hair to the bottom of your cute flat feet.  Your body is perfection, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.  You came from me how could you not be perfect.  You are so much bigger than your name. Every thing you have done and are doing is right.  You can do no wrong baby girl.  I am in awe of you, I can’t believe you are mine.  There wasn’t a time I wasn’t in awe of you, you are an earth angel.

I am learning that I am love, I am a spirit that knows nothing but LOVE.  I was taught that I was limited, I was hurt. yet I can heal and I have found I am limitless. I am infinite and so are you.  I learned how to shove all my feels down deep inside, I forgot how special I was.  I learned to survive not thrive. I don’t blame my parents they had no idea what they were doing, they only knew how to survive as well.  I have learned that as a kid you have no rights, and instead of getting all the love I needed I was taught how to live in a limited Fear based world where I had no say and no out.  So I became sick so I could get some kind of attention from their world.  If I was sick I got attention but it wasn’t good attention.  I found though that they saw me, they saw me as a problem, but hey they saw me.

I taught you the same lies and limited thinking. I didn’t know that I could stop the madness, I could break the chain and live so much different.  I didn’t know any better then.  Oh I know I wished that my parents had known what I know now.  Yet we can not make others into what we wish.  I can show you that there is a better way to live, a happier way to live, a safe and loving way to live.  Yes, you can heal the past hurts, you can accept the past and move past it.

These past months were hard, I had to face all of my past issues and be very real with myself.  No, a therapist didn’t help me, they are just yes people who have no idea how to help themselves let alone give advice to others.  But the therapist I went to did show me that the only way things would get better was when I went deep down and allowed all the past hurts, fear based hurts to come to the surface accept and love them.

I walked around my home and cried like a spirit who had lost the love of her life.  I sat curled up in a ball as wave after wave of hurt I had pushed down came and stayed like a ghost haunting me day in and day out.  The issues came up and I would yell out, AND I LOVE THAT!! There were days I thought my heart would break and I would die.

I would wake up crying in the night, all times of the day remembering the losses of my childhood, the loss of my imagination, the lack of love I had for myself, the loss of my best friend as well as my sister.  I was taught to be strong and go on, pick yourself up, to be seen not heard, no crying. I felt the lack of hugs, loving talks and being safe, it was like a tornado throwing me from one emotion to another.  I fought the limited thoughts that were taught to me, not to feel my emotions, it was not acceptable, it was a weakness, it was a bother to those who were my caretakers, my partner even some friends.  How dare I break that ugly past that had been beaten into my mind, my body.  Only my soul knew that is was not right for me to feel this way.  I saw a crack of light and I sat, with no distractions, no social media, no friends, just me and the silence.

The tears came over and over and I allowed them to wash away the past and the future.  Then one day I could hear the birds singing, I could feel myself in the present the right now, nothing else mattered.  The past was gone no more, the future was not my concern, I was just here in the now.  I can still feel that sense of freedom.  No worries, no stress nothing just the feeling of being here right now at this moment.

I have since come out on the other side of my healings, I am so much better, healthier, happier, funnier.  I can face what I did now with love.  I did the very best with the knowledge I had been given at that time.  I also came out on the other side of this healing, knowing, it will not be how I will ever be again.  I have found the little girl I was, I hold her tightly and love her every day.  She and I have our days of sadness, hurts from the past, yet we face them together and heal every day.

Yes, my Lovely Daughter people can change, if they want to.  It’s painful but once you get to the other side of that pain, it’s the best feeling in the world.   If we had not had this time away from one another, I wouldn’t have had the chance to heal.  I also got to see how strong, loving and awesome you are.   You have gone on, put together your life and are raising your beautiful daughter.  I am so proud of you.  You did it without me, I should have trusted you could.  I know now that I will not doubt you ever again.  Oh, I will be scared for you, but I look so forward to seeing how you maneuver this old world.  I know you’ll do well.

I want to tell you something very important though. I want you to know you never disappointed me, you showed the strength that any man would have stood in awe to see, your courage after the hurt that happened to you is beyond words.  The courage to keep moving forward when you didn’t feel like it is to be awarded. You are a fantastic mommy and always have been.  I thank you for stepping back and allowing me to be controlling and a know it all, even though I hadn’t a clue I was doing such.  I loved how you loved me enough to come and ask me for advice, when in fact you knew better than me on what you needed.  I just didn’t let you know that you are so smart and strong.  I watched you become the woman you are but I tried to keep you the child I will always see you as.

There isn’t anything wrong with me seeing you as my baby, but I hurt you and me when I didn’t give you the space to create that person, you are becoming.   I didn’t give you the credit you deserved.  I was scared for you, in my past limited thinking I was always scared while I raised you.  I didn’t see that all I needed to do was be there for you,  to trust in you, to love you through the lessons you wanted to learn and keep encouraging you to be the best you that you wanted to be.

My wonderful daughter, I didn’t need to tell you when you were doing something wrong, in fact, it wasn’t wrong it was my past thoughts that were telling me it was wrong.  I didn’t need to tell you how to do something, you always figured it out.  I have found all I needed to do was give you a safe place to grow, love you through your boo boo’s, be there to give you support, accept you for all you were and are.

You are a gift from God, the universe, the big guy upstairs what ever you want to call it.  I was to learn from you, not break you down and teach you all the horrors I was taught.  I didn’t know!!   My job was so easy, I didn’t know that until today!

My role in your life was so easy, all I had to do was watch and learn from you.  You were sent to remind me how to imagine, be child like in mind, to experience the world through your eyes.   There were times when I did have glimpses of that, but it was shut down by the past lies and limited thinking I had been taught.  It was so simple to watch as you explored your world, I loved when you got scared and would run over for a hug and then go back into the world.  I only had to hug you and then let you go off, grow and learn.  My way of protecting you was wrong.  I wasn’t supposed to keep you from trying even if I knew you could get hurt.  My way of protecting should have been to love you and encourage you to keep going.  It didn’t matter what I wanted for you, that was what I wanted for you not what you wanted,  it only mattered what you wanted.

I was taught like my parents were taught by their parents, to make you like me.  I was so WRONG they were so wrong!  I was supposed to learn from you who I was, through the discoveries of watching you.  It is right to allow for learning, experiencing, loving, caring, encouraging, accepting.  I am learning that now, it’s never too late to heal the past hurts, to stop and heal them.  I took away the distractions, I stop the useless information I was distracting myself with and I found me.  Which brought me back to you. I feel like I am seeing you for the first time.  I love hearing about what you are doing, I love seeing how you do what you’re doing, no judgment, no stress, no worry, I see and hear just the amazing you that you are.

I am not saying these things to patronize you, why would I, what would that give me. I have no reason to say anything that isn’t from my heart. I say these things because that is how I find life truly is.  I am finding that I needed to give myself these things as well.  I had to heal my past hurts first.  I had to find me, who I was, and who I am.  If I hadn’t then I would never have discovered how truly awesome you are. I am so proud of who you are, and who you will become.  I am sorry that I ever told you or made you feel that you did anything wrong.  There is no right or wrong, there is only being you.

Children are a gift, I have been blessed with three of you, each and every one of you are a blessing, I am so thrilled to have the chance to see you all grow, and guess what all I have to do is love you and encourage you in what you want to do.  I am free to let you be who you will be.  My job is to just stand back and be proud.  You have a safe place to come and talk, no I won’t be giving you advice, you don’t need it, you got this.  I will tell you that you can trust in you, allowing yourself to heal the past hurts, allow for love to grow, feel every emotion you have, and trust there is a reason for everything in life.

I love you, my Dearest Daughter.

I hope that this letter finds you soon, I miss you and want to show you the mom I have found in me.  I want to show you the healed woman I have discovered.  I want to share in the adventures of your life, only to stand back, watch, be proud and hug you when you need it.

Your proudest supporter,                                                                                                                             Mom




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