I have a lot of different thoughts today, here’s to hoping I can make it read sensibly. Or not…
First off I have had some really great things happening, my mind is just flowing with all the past hurts I have ever incurred. I feel like wonder woman with her magical bracelets, as I zap this past hurt and then another. I feel amazing and most of all very very grateful.
Who would have thought that there would be a time that I would be thanking all my past hurtful issues? I feel stronger, powerful and peaceful. It’s truly hard to put into words the emotions you feel that are great!! I highly recommend you look into your deepest darkest corner, where you shoved all the resentment, unloving feeling for yourself, those feelings of not being enough, the disappointments all of them deep-seated hurts you have been ignoring for decades. Pull up a chair and sit and listen to them, they have great wisdom, care, and they made you super strong and loving, you just didn’t realize it.
The people who I have had the roughest time in my life, have been my best teachers. I know that sounds totally ridiculous for some of you reading this, but it is the truth. I am not the only one, there is and will be others that will see this as well.
Let me set something straight here, I am still me, but better. I have all my wonderful twisted ways about me. I will write that again. I have all my twisted wonderful ways about me. I love to laugh, I love to be sarcastic, I am a big joker, I am happy-go-lucky, yet I have that Irish temper and I can cut you down with my words. I feel angry, I can get sad or depressed. I just don’t camp there like I use to. I am able to see that at that moment I am reacting to what ever it may be. I allow for those emotions to come up and have their say and then I walk away letting it all go. There is no reason for me to keep that emotion all week-long. That is what I have been healing in my life, there was a time one little thing would set me off and I would stay with that emotions for DAYS! I set up a great camp site and no matter what was happening in my life, I stayed on that emotion like a fisherman who sees that fish by the edge of the lake.
Why, because of all the past, fear based limiting issues I once had running throughout and all over my mind. My past hurts, my past resentments, my need to be right, the story that was me that would die if I allowed those hurts to heal.
I was taking a break here for a while, had a visit from my boys, washed the dog and then sat for a little while playing a game. It feels good to stop for a moment and rest, play meditate. I am finding as I recognize the noise that my mind has a tendency to create, I am able to allow it to float by as I sit and do what ever it is I am doing, it is happening more often with all that I do. A fear comes swimming by and I love it, thank it for coming to visit. Example, I still miss my daughter and granddaughter, my mind will say things like she will only let you see your granddaughter for that day, then she will keep her away. I say thank you I appreciate you bring that up, I understand that could happen, I am okay with that. Another situation would be I am pissed or hurt by what happened today with my husband and me. I allowed the dogs to come out on the grass and one happens to pee pee, he was on the phone with his son and decided to make a big deal out of the situation. I took the dogs in and went and got the hose and washed the area down. In my mind, I thought what an asshole, I came out to have a bit of time, and he is so anal about the grass he had to embarrass me. I love that! I said he is a dick head and I love that! I can love what is happening, there is no reason to hold a grudge. He can be those things and I can love that. I said that for a while and my anger, resentment, and frustration left me and it didn’t ruin my day. There would have been a time I would have wish he was gone, and that I was divorced, I would have snapped at him all day and let my anger from the past help me stay angry and resentful. BUT WHY?
When I heal my past hurts I see the amazing benefits that are happening. I can see that when I was hiding or ignoring those thoughts, I was in pain more both physically and mentally, I was tired all and could not sleep. Kyle Cease put out a great video on how much stress our bodies have on them when we ignore how we deal with our past hurts. I had no idea how much dialogue was playing in my head each day until I started to listen. Look for the video, What if I fall asleep while meditating.
The past issues I had as a little girl, teenager, young adult, society taught lies, being a mom, a wife, a friend, social media hang ups. I now see how my mind sits and tells me what I am going to die from. The fake news reports the bullsauce going on up in the White House, my mind goes to fight or flight response… bear in mind that was before I turned the TV off and I do not watch the news. I have found other unbias sources to go to for the events happening in our world. I care not what the opinions of the newscast have to say, I just want the news I’ll make up my own mind, thank you very much!!
Yet there we are, our minds function is to protect our spirit form here on earth, we have the mind doing its job of making everything that is not in our control, a death threat. Have your loved one tell you, you suck, death enters the mind. We don’t need that anymore since we are not naked and afraid. The mind knows no better until we can teach it through meditation. Our mind has only the knowledge that has been taught to it. If your parents taught you what they knew then their belief is part of that knowledge. All that you have been through is how your mind defines how you need to act. If you lived in a home where the parent said it was their way, the school was their way, religion their way, and so the list goes on, how do you figure your mind is going to do? Not much I can tell you because you are a zombie and haven’t a thought in your head. No really if you haven’t been able to do and say what makes you you then how are you going to deal with not having someone tell you what to do. Five times I used you in that sentence, and It still makes sense to me… what about you?
I made a bit of a mistake today, being a mom and grandma, my past teaching was to be there for my loved ones, to protect and serve, just like a patrolman. I asked my future son-in-law about an issue that is between my daughter and my daughter, yes it affects me, but it truly isn’t about me it’s about my daughter and her past, limited, fear based issues, that she is trying to project onto me. I would take a bullet for my kids or grand kids. I want them to have better than me, I want them to know what I know now. Yet that is not up to me to decide how they need to learn what I am learning.
I can change what I was taught, the limited beliefs, those things that will help me and that in time will find their way back to heal them. I can teach me how to heal the past, by healing me of my past.
Today has been one of those very healing days from my past. I have found though that I am able to let go which allows my hurt to go as well. I can love those thoughts and then let them float away. My mind feels tired, my body feels tired, it is a strain on my body. It helps to know that. I am very blessed to have found my way to the help that I was needing. I am so thankful that the universe has put before me the tools I needed to help me to grow.
I am so blessed, there are a lot of great things coming into my life, I sometimes feel overwhelmed losing all the past limited beliefs I once had. I love that my panic attacks are going away when it comes to my fear of heights, flying, social gatherings. I don’t second guess how what I said may be taken, I state what is on my mind, I don’t feel like I am beneath others because I am not like them. I don’t tell people what I do as a way of telling them who I am. I tell them who I truly am, if for some weird and crazy messed up reason they don’t like me, then they weren’t meant to be in my life.
I have a strong belief things will work out the way they are supposed to work out. I am to mind my own business when it comes to others. I don’t have to defend myself, I am great the way I am in fact I am perfect. God will love me no matter what I am, do or become. That I am limitless. That the universe will take what I fear even if it is family, friends, animals, wealth or my health, just to teach me that I am limitless and can survive it.
I am loved always.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.