One of my little dogs says it so well, It was a long day…
It didn’t start out so wow, but it sure ended in a wow! I was in a funk today, my pain having me depressed and wondering why it was acting up, plus I felt a heavy uneasiness in the air. Something was a brewing, I think it was a combination of many things, yet my mind wanted me to keep busy, I noticed I was trying to go back to my old way of distraction. I didn’t allow for that to happen, I stayed with my heart and kept reassuring myself that I was ok. If a thought came up that was disturbing I said thanks for visiting and watched it float in and out of my thoughts all morning long.
I got a call from my son and we talked about his new patrol car he got issued to him and how he was cleaning it up and making it look nice. We talked about the up and coming wedding and how my granddaughter looked in her little flower girl dress. That took me back a bit, I could feel the old insecurities and hurts creeping in. My mind wanted to rant and rave yet my heart said just ok with the feelings. I allowed my heart to take over, yet my mind was throwing a fit and wanted to do things that I knew could ruin the work that my angles had been working on.
We ended the conversation and my husband got up from his nap after being on nights. I was hungry being that it was past noon so I started to cook some lunch up. I knew he had heard my end of the conversation, yet I was so tired of the worry and stress that came up with this topic. I wanted a resolution but had no idea how to appease all in this situation. You know that feeling you get, it’s that big elephant in the room feeling. I was angry and frustrated and I knew it was something trying to bubble up. I spoke up about the heavy feeling I was having with the issues he and my daughter have been having for a long time. I feel like I need to protect him but I know that my daughter is hurting as well. It’s become so big that these two are not able to be in the same room as one another. I am Not okay with it but I know I need to be because it isn’t about me and my husband.
I finally started to ramble on about how I was feeling, I spoke up about the heavy feeling I was having with the issues he and my daughter have been having for a long time. I feel like I need to protect him but I know that my daughter is hurting as well. It’s become so big that these two are not able to be in the same room with one another. I have been dragged into it and had lost contact with my daughter for nearly 8 months. I am Not okay with it but I know I need to be because it isn’t about me and my husband.
My daughter has past hurts that she hasn’t had a chance to deal with and she feels the way she feels, and I will honor that. Her feelings are not my feelings and she needs to have the time and space to work on them. I know that this isn’t about me and my husband yet we need to allow her to have her time, and yes we are in the middle of it but she has that need to express her feelings the way she needs to. I want to be that quiet place where she can say whatever she needs to and know that it isn’t against me. It isn’t about me it is so she can heal her past hurts.
So to get back to the story, I’ve let the Elephant off the chain and then I have more things come up that directly are affecting me. I have the past hurts bubbling up about my estranged father, I have issues with my feminity, after my unneeded hysterectomy. I have past issues in my trust with men. Yet they are not being directed to anyone it is just me allowing my hurts to surface. My husband, of course, went on the defense and we stopped talking, we were not angry we just didn’t know how to proceed with all that I had brought up. He went outside, I saw a new video come up from Kyle and I began to watch it.
Kyle Cease saved the day once more with his marvelous insight. I will post his video below, I can not even begin to tell you what he said and do justice to it. I was so glad for the message, I felt lighter, relaxed and at peace. I got really sleepy so I went and took a nap. I had no idea how much stress I was holding onto up till that moment. I woke feeling free, I knew I needed to go outside and tell My husband what I had learned.
I told him that what I am feeling and what I said this afternoon had nothing to do with him. These feelings are mine and mine alone. I don’t want him to feel he needs to justify himself when it has nothing to do with him. I need him to be still, quiet and allow me to feel safe to say what ever I feel. I didn’t need him to feel anything or say anything that patronize me. All I needed from him is a safe place to express my past hurts so I could allow them to heal and go on.
WE need to be able to feel safe to say ANYTHING!! Even if it means that if I say he is a no good asshole, it doesn’t mean that I believe that all the time, I just feel that at that moment. When we love one another we need to heal our own hurts so we can give each other the safe space to say what ever they need to with out judgment, or our past hurts coming up and interfering with the healing our loved one needs at that moment. I told him about my hurt that is coming up with the healing of me and my dad’s and being scared of speaking to him. The issues with wanting my daughter and granddaughter in my life. The hurt of losing my womb and all the hurt that has brought with the male species. It was nothing he had done it is my reaction and feeling to all that I had suffered with.
I told him about my hurt that is coming up with the healing of me and my dad and being scared of speaking to him. The issues with wanting my daughter and granddaughter in my life, yet not hurting him as well. The hurt of losing my womb and all the hurt that has brought up my distrust with men, because of the past hurts from my father. It was nothing my husband had done it is my reaction and feeling to all that I had suffered with, coming to the surface so I can deal with them at last.
I said the best thing you can do is allow me to say all that I need to say, allow me to talk through the pain.
What if you allowed your friend, child, sibling, mother, father, husband wife… to say all that they were feeling and then say to them. You have every right to feel that way, How do you feel now?
I don’t need to tell you how you should feel no one should, I shouldn’t say why what you say made me feel this way, right after you get done saying what you needed to. I need to be that tree, that space of comfort, that quiet safe place. I agree with Kyle if more people were taught that they could say what ever they are feeling and be safe, not judged or have someone get angry and defensive, how much better would our world be? What if you got to take turns. I get to say my past hurt and then after I am better you can say your hurts. But here is the secret, I know that what you said was not about me, that what ever I did do just brought up a past limited fear based belief, that you shoved down deep inside. If you can say what you’re feeling at that very moment and not be reprimanded for it…. How would that make you feel?
I can tell you that is what happened this afternoon, and once I was done saying how I felt and how it was affecting me and that I needed to get it out, I was asked that very question. How do you feel now? I felt hurt, but lighter. Then was asked again the same question and I said with a big happy smile. I feel so much better! I was heard, my pain from those past issues dropped away, my anger and frustration left. It was so amazing!
I hope you will watch this video over and over and I hope that you will put into practice what Kyle Cease says. I know I will be posting it to my sites and I will be rewatching it because it is amazingly accurate. What a gift we can give to one another, by healing our passed limited fear based beliefs, and being that sacred space for someone to feel safe and cared for when they need to feel and heal. WE can change the world by giving so little, yet so very much!!
Peace be with you,
WWYHS ( what would your heart say)