Saying goodbye to who I once was

Fear keeps you from falling head over heels and allowing you to have that one person who makes you feel invincible.

I had a huge change happen this weekend. I feel like since I allow things to come into my life, I get more than I could have ever made happen, happening.  My fears of all kinds of different past issues are coming up more and more.  I at first fought those thoughts and told them to shut up but something changed in me the other day. Instead of fighting them or telling them to shut up, I thanked them for coming up and allowing me to love them.

I have the most awful thoughts come to me at the most random times.  Like one day I am sitting here reading a book and I have this thought pop up in my mind, that I fall out of my truck, while in the drive way and I can feel the tires crushing me, I see the way the tire moves up from my legs to my pelvis to my back and I can feel the air leaving my body as the weight of the truck crushes me. I was sitting there having this horrible imagine hitting me, I chuckle now but as I am having this thought I go into my panic mode and wonder if I should stay in the house for the rest of my life and never get into my truck again.

I am sitting there in a bath of sweat feeling my life being crushed out of me, I see myself sitting there with the book open as I am witnessing my death.  Why does the mind want to kill me I wondered?  That stopped the thought instantly, I was then able to step outside of me and really look at why I would think of such a terrible thought.  Then I thanked my mind for bringing up this fear and allowed it to float away.

I wonder if I was crushed in a former life, is this a memory from one of my past lives?  Was it a spirit that walked through the room and I picked up on his/her energy?  I have no idea since I don’t have any distractions going on I am seeing these kinds of thoughts popping up more and more.

If you have read any of my previous post you know that I have had some issues with my daughter.  I have been allowing the loose I feel to come up, I take the pain, accept it and love it.  I am finding that pain can be honored as well as learned from. I think the pain has been exiled to the back of the room and no one wants to go over and talk to him.  We as a society have been taught to ignore the pain or take something that will help us ignore it.  What if a pain is just as important as Happiness or JOY?? If you face pain it will not kill you, it needs to be seen and heard.  Pain can be in the form of many things too, and without pain, we would not learn that there is something wrong and we need to acknowledge it.

My son was going to a birthday party at his dad’s, my ex’s sisters birthday to be exact.  I knew he would see my daughter and grand baby.  He always sends me a snap chat picture of her.  He warns me that he will be sending them because the last time he didn’t it put me in a tail spin of heart ache and pain.

I was ready for when the picture came.  I got the little sound that I had a snap chat and opened the picture up.  There was my angel with a wreath of flowers in her hair, the photo was black and white but the wreath was lite up.   Of course, I felt my heart shatter, my mind went right into the past, the past of what I had with my two girls.  I allowed the tears to come, but something changed.  I wiped my tears and blew my nose and I remember saying over and over, thank you God for this pain, I can have this pain I am alive and can feel this pain.  I was so grateful for the pain.  I prayed for St, Raphael to help heal my pain to help heal that which went wrong between me and my daughter. I may not be able to do anything with the issues between us, but I know God and his Warriors can.

My son is getting married here soon, my daughter had made mention that if he needed a flower girl she had one.  My son jumped on that idea, now my daughter knows I am going and that she and I will be in the same room.  My mind starts to act on every fear of what could go wrong.  I allowed it to say what it needed to and then thanked it for looking out for me and for bringing all these fears up to me.   My mind got quiet and I found that I am not stressing about the events to come.  I am ready to face them as they come, there is no reason to follow my mind down that road of what if’s.  I don’t live there anymore, I live right here in this moment.  I only have this moment right here.  I can fill that space with what if’s that are full of fear and drama or I can fill that space with love and acceptance of what ever will be.  There is no reason to have expectations!

Expectations: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. I want the best outcome and that is what I will put out there, but I do not expect that anything will happen that isn’t meant to be.   I am going into that day with my thoughts on enjoy as my son has his day.  He is celebrating the gift of love, I am going to help him celebrate that Love.  There is no reason to allow the mind to bring up things that are not happening.  I know the mind is only looking out for me, I am grateful and appreciate that it does this, but that doesn’t mean I need to be in a panic either.  I am finding that I don’t feel the need to try to control the outcome of things.  I am happy if something makes it I am ok if I don’t.  It takes so much stress off of you when you can allow what will be.  I love the song by Doris Day:

I have found this week that I am allowing the what if’s to drift away and I allow what is supposed to be to come into my life.  It’s incredible how much love and goodness is coming my way.  I never thought I would get a chance to see my two girls and here I get that chance very soon.  I am grateful that there is a chance that things will have healed between me and my daughter, but I am ok if it hasn’t.

I am in so many ways very different from what she left behind.  I am more so much more than the woman who always allowed fear to keep her from feeling all that is me.    I don’t need her to make me happy, I don’t have to control her life or worry about her.  She is on a journey just like me, I have no idea where she and I will end up, I look forward to seeing what she does in her life.  I want to be the one who watches as she finds her awakening when she finds that she is splendid and much much more than she gives herself created for.  I didn’t have that with my mom but I will make sure she knows it before I take my last breath in this body.  I may have to write her a letter or make sure she sees this article.

Fear keeps us from living the life we want, fear keeps us in a place that we are not happy in.  Fear keeps us from having that which we dream of, fear doesn’t allow us to love fully.

I am seeing so many changes in my relationships.  The ones that I am supposed to have are near me, those who I am with are changing as well.  I can not say where I will be here in a month or even six months down the road.  I just enjoy the moment, even the hard lessons, appreciating all that I have, allow those who are not helping me to go in love and bring more love into my world.  I am getting closer to those who I am more like-minded. The fear that keeps me in a place is crumbling and those who thought I would never leave are seeing me gently fade away.  Thank you for my fears for the lessons, that you my limited thoughts, for allowing me to out grow you. I am grateful for all those who helped me understand that my expectations of you, are what I allowed to hurt me.   I am so loved, I am never alone, I am LOVE and so much bigger than I could have ever imagined.  I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t found really great and courageous People who shared their wonderful insights of stopping the distractions and facing your inner self.

I love my life!


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