This is a story of a mother and daughter, it’s not a happy one at the present moment. If you don’t want to read it, I surely understand. I would rather be telling a story full of hope and Love. I think the title for this entry should be called Pride and Prejudice. Why?
I think that is a very good question, why is such a great word that has gotten a bad rap for some reason. I don’t think there is enough asking of the why word. When you ask why you have things come into light that maybe you might not have wanted to see, yet it needed to be asked, so resolutions can be had.
My daughter doesn’t seem to like the word why, I think that may be my fault, I was taught to not ask why I was to just follow the rules and do what I was told. I passed that on to my children as well. We are taught not to ask an adult why, this means that we are lead to believe, we are not to ask anyone older than us that why question. WHY? Why are we to not ask and why are we shut down when we do ask why??
I wanted that to stop with my grandchild. I encouraged her to ask why.
I think that from our past we can create a story so real that we will do all we can to believe it. My daughter is on that path. When asked why she shut down and then goes to those who will keep her past story alive for her. I don’t know why, since I have shed that delusion of thought from my life, how can she not see that what she is doing is so very painful to others and why is she doing it?
That pain not just affecting me but her and her daughter. Yet the little bits of information I have gathered is so confusing and so out of context to what really happened between her and I. I had solicited counseling and they are as confused as I am. Family members are the same way, and yet they choose to not say anything. WHY?
I don’t think that it helps that my ex is guilt ridden from his past actions, yet seems to want to twist those misconceptions to making him feel better about himself, is feeding these lies to our daughter, why does he do this? I feel and do practice, that it is better to face what you have done and allow for healing. Yet pride cometh in and then the whole thing becomes a mess.
Why does Pride have such an importance in our lives? Pride: a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired. Oh but pride can be misconstrued as well, on can fall flat on their face for that pride that may not be because of an achievement, it can be a false feeling of being right or better than someone else no matter what. Pride the dark side: the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance. There is a very fine line between them, and one’s past stories can have one feeling that they are more important than anyone else.
Prejudice: preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience. There is no reason for a father to get involved with a mother and daughter. I believe that no one should say anything against or about the mother in any way shape or form. I don’t believe that anyone should be talked down about, especially when you are not involved! I don’t like that heavy feeling when someone starts to gossip about another. I would rather have a one on one with that person. I have had my share of talking behind another’s back, it made me feel bad, so I quit!
Past and present, now there are a couple of words that few like as well. What happens in the past is gone and done. I feel that forgiveness is the act to forget the past transgressions from others. Yet in this day and age to forgive is not to forget, so why are you forgiving? Unless you totally are not well in mind you will not allow someone to hurt you in the same way again, plus it is our expectations of those we are around, that hurts us, not them per say unless they punch you. If you didn’t have expectations of them, what they do wouldn’t bother you. It is the past hurts that they bring up in us, that we must deal with and heal. I have found that once I get my past hurts out-of-the-way I usually am happy-go-lucky, live and let live kind of gal.
I know this is the problem with me and my daughter, her lack of understanding that she is reacting to me from deep and painful past memories, or maybe from her own insecurities, as well as having others fed her their lies which she makes her truth. I am not able to have a one on one conversation with her. I have been shut out and forgotten. I know that in her subconscious I am there but she will keep up any distractions to keep from having that dreaded one on one conversation that very well may not be what she wants to hear until it becomes too unbearable one day, then she will face those demons.
I say this because I have no relationship with my mother, because of her disease of Alzheimer’s. I will not be able to show her how I have healed those past transgressions that we had to happen between us. I have forgiven her of the past hurts, but I will not be able to tell her that and then allow a more loving friendship to grow. That is the problem with past hurts that we do not allow to bubble forth and allow us to heal and love them.
When we live a life full of distractions we are only hurting our growth on this journey of life. I think it would awesome if the whole world was shut down for one whole day a week. No internet, no TV, no stores open, no distractions and all could take the day off, sit where ever they are and just meditate for the whole day. How many people would be able to heal past the limitations due to false fear based past memories, wow now wouldn’t that be fantastic.
So this is the end right now, I have no daughter or granddaughter. There isn’t a moment that my heart doesn’t cry out for them. No parent could just walk away from a child that they love so much. I can’t just turn off a switch and be OKAY with all this. My heart knows that there is something missing. No, I will not be okay with this ever, I will mourn it like a death because that is what it is. I will ask WHY because I deserve an answer.
My suggestion is this, don’t be too prideful that you don’t see the other side of things, and prejudice is only going to cause you or others problems, allow that part of you to go. Ask why often in your life, even of the small things. I hope to be able to update this entry with some wonderfully great news, until then happy healing!