Go with love, Ego

I have lost my ego and therefore I am facing my own mortality.  Men get this but they call it male menopause.  Laughing  Sorry I had to throw that in there.  I guess I need a new Harley and a couple of twenty years old’s.  NO THANK YOU!!

I have had a rough couple of days with the death of my EGO.  I have no idea who I am, I have lost the old me.  I have allowed the old character I made up, to go.  I have cried and cried today.  I don’t know what to do.  I find that I am OK with that thought one minute, but then cycle around to crying and feeling completely lost the next! I have had every emotion hit me today.  I will be alright and do fine then I will become distant and feel lost and unconnected to the old me.

Ego death is a “complete loss of subjective self-identity.”[1] The term is used in various intertwined contexts, with related meanings. In Jungian psychology, the synonymous term psychic death is used, which refers to a fundamental transformation of the psyche.[2]In the death and rebirth mythology, ego death is a phase of self-surrender and transition,[3][4][5][6] as described by Joseph Campbell in his research on the mythology of the Hero’s Journey.[3] It is a recurrent theme in world mythology and is also used as a metaphor in some strands of contemporary western thinking.

I have been going from I care so much that I want to do all I can for everyone one minute to I could give a care less about anyone or anything.  It’s like being in hell, watching yourself in all these fun house mirrors and you have no idea who the hell those people are that are looking back at you.  I look old in one mirror, but then I look young in another.  I am a mom in one mirror, a granny in the next.  I see the sexy woman with lovely curves, yet in another mirror, I see an over weight middle-aged woman.   I see a confused woman who is lonely and desperate for love to be held and comforted, in the next mirror is the confidant loved the woman who knows who she wants to be, loves herself and all that she has and will be…. but she fades and I lose her in my maze of mirrors.  I can’t find her when I really need her.  I feel like she is close yet I can not get to her.

I am growing older, yet my mind, heart feels young and full of life.  I can see that there will be an end for this body, oh how I don’t want to say goodbye to this world.  I have so much I want to do. I know that is Ego, it hates the thought of life ending,   I guess I wouldn’t mind but I lost nine years to illness. My ego yells this at me, I am infinite but the ego is not.  I am mad I want my allotted time, I want the nine years back so I can do all the things I wanted and had dreamed of.  If I get still and watch I see my ego pacing back and forth, I can feel the fear or its illusions, becoming apparent the lies it told me becoming neon white.  I have this other part of me that feels light and free, I can feel the patients the love, oh so much love there.  She is Love that is all that she is.  Ego doesn’t want this Love to come it means its death, the worry, stress, sickness will go away and then Ego will be nothing, it will be no more.

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I am in a struggle with my ego, I am watching as it is dying, it isn’t happy with this processes.  I can feel my ego fighting every step of the way trying to keep hold of what it had made up, the story that was me that I lived by. I have no story now.  I am out there hanging in space and I have not connected to my spirit yet.  I guess I am in that transitional phase of becoming more than my limited thoughts. I don’t know what to do but just be and allow myself to change.  Ego is trying to keep me close and tell me who I once was, reminding me of what I have been through.  It wants me to remember that I was this or that, that I had this or that.  It’s desperate, I can feel the pain of what it once meant to me.  It was my best friend, it helped me to think I would never change.  I was somebody, something.

I have been learning, my fears are going away my past is not of importance, I am evolving into bigger, more I am! Ego cries when I say and feel this evolution.  It is scared and repulsed.  It tries to distract me away from its downfall its death.  I can’t stop, I can not save it.  I can only love it and let it go.  I feel like I am losing a best friend my only friend.  I am sitting here crying like I am at a funeral saying good bye for the last time.  As I type this, I sit here covered with tissues, I have a headache from all the crying and blowing my nose.  I am so tired, my mind is at a loss.

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I am but a spirit I am everything I have no end no beginning I am just…. There is no me there is nothing but me, I am bigger than I could ever have imagined yet what I thought that was me has become non-important.  I remember driving away from my house in Alabama for the last time, I dreamed of that moment a thousand times.  Today as I remember it, it’s not that important to me.  I am home back in my home state and that is all that matters.  I guess as ego disappears it will not matter anymore.  I will be, I am, there is no only there is just…. I will be heart?  I don’t know I have not gotten that far.  I am in the present there is no yesterday, there is no tomorrow.  There is only now.

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Deep breaths… I am, therefore I will be, there is nothing more to that thought. I will love the false that was me and become the truth that was always.


Goodnight sweet dreams,


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References: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mortality


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