Life is going good yeah I guess, I have my ups my downs and then there are the good times again. I feel so frustrated when I feel calm and I am learning that there isn’t anything outside of me that I am to worry or stress about. I am in such a funky place right now. I am happy, yet I feel off in some way.
Today I and my husband went to his mom’s house to give her some herbal remedies for her and Grandma. As we sat there I couldn’t help but be so bored, I felt like the house was filled with no energies, the tv is on with old-time tv sitcoms on. It’s sad to me that there is nothing creative going on. No life just an existence of waiting for something. I couldn’t wait to leave, that made me feel sad. I wish I could somehow tell them about the remarkable things that are around them, to get them up and walk, look around their neighborhood or tell them about all the things they can look up, or experience the wonderful information out there. Yet these two wonderful women seem to be tired of life or had lost the desire of life and not wanting to do much but sit and wait until death comes.
I guess you could say I see this in a lot of people. The walking sleeping. Those people look like the living dead, waiting for something but don’t want to do anything just, exist and go through life with no dream, no wants or desires. It’s hard to believe but when you are around people like this you get to feeling like you are being dragged down with them. I love them very much but when I go out towards their home I feel sad, panic attacks and wanting to run feeling. I know the situation is bringing up deep-rooted feelings of when I felt trapped. I am glad that this feeling came up and that I can use this to help me to allow healing.
I still feel that feeling as I type this and I will be allowing it to stay and be with me. I will love that feeling. I think I just need to allow this feeling to run its course.
Yesterday I had a lot of junk of fears coming up, I was reading Kyle Cease’s book and I became so angry and I cried. I felt all this frustration and wanted to know why I can’t make it over the edge of the mountain I am climbing up. I wonder why I was not able to get all that others seem to have come into their lives. I was jealous and angry at all the past hurts and frustrations of not getting more out of my life than what I have had come into my life. I was so angry at all the short comings that I was seeing come up.
I stopped and got quiet and allowed my thoughts to come and go and then my heart started to speak. I was trying to compare myself with others, and not seeing my life for what it is. I have come so very far. I am getting well every day. I should be proud, not disappointed in myself.
I think the biggest reason I felt like I was failing was that I was going down hill on my health again. I wasn’t sleeping again, having pains, and lots of stomach complaints. I had no idea that it was something I was taken, that was supposed to be beneficial. I was told by my heart to look deeper into this herbal remedy, guess what I found out that it was a herb that I shouldn’t have been taking. As soon as I stopped taking it I felt 10 times better and was able to get some sleep again.
The change in that alone made me feel so much better. Then I got a video with Kyle Cease being interviewed and my feel sorry for me went away. I was able to see that I have been very creative and a lot of different things are merging together. I was in my mind, ignoring my heart and fearing that I was not good enough for my dreams.
I know that one of my biggest obstacles in life is feeling worthy and I have yet to get to that point where I am proud of all that I have done and how far I have come. I love that as I write this I am feeling lighter and lighter. This blog was really bothering me tonight as well. I didn’t like how it was coming together. And I LOVE THAT!!!!! I am off to bed I will finish it up tomorrow or not. I just may post it and call it good. Because it’s just the way I feel tonight! SO there sticking my tongue out!!
I reread what I have written and I am really happy with the way it turned out. The more I was real with how I felt the better I am started feeling!! I am so happy I wrote this because being totally honest and free to be me, made me feel better. I feel great.