A day of discovery

What would your heart Say?

Your mind is trying to find a problem in a world of abundance…. Let me say that again or rather Kyle Cease said it.  Your mind is trying to find a problem in the world of abundance.

When I get to where my mind wants to cause me a problem and try to stress, I take a deep breath and ask my heart what it would do.

I have had some major revelations today. I found that my mind is all for bringing up past issues, fear based thought and problems.  It lives for it.  It was taught to be this way and it is my love that will help heal it.  I am loved no matter what.  I am taken care of no matter what.  The only thing that has a problem is what my mind can make up.

In a world that is full of love, we are the most unhappy bunch of folks I have ever seen.  Every day  I awake more to that realization and that thought helps me want to make a change in me so I can help others awaken too.

I highly recommend you read Kyle Cease’s book “I hope I screw this Up.”  Go to chapter 16 and read and absorb it.  I learned how to stop the drama my mind loves to make up, I learned how to live in the deep down that we all believe is out there.  It is out there it is for you and all you have to do is learn how to accesses it.  I am free to be in the deep down I know things will be ok, right now in my life.  I don’t have to look for it or wait for it.  It has always been there for me, I just had to quiet my mind enough to embrace it.

My mind is like a child, it comes to me with problems and I want to be that all loving parent I always dreamed of having, that parent that hugs you and lets you know it will all work out great.  It’s ok to allow my mind to bring up these imaginative problems, I just allow it to have its problems and love it.  I don’t need to react I don’t need to work on it, just sit and let it have its say.   I made a mess because I had no idea I was living like I was the child and my mind was that parent that panicked and stressed about every little thing.  I reacted to it all the time.  Now that I am seeing this destructive programming I can change it.

There was a time that I was so depressed I went on different kinds of antidepressant to hide from the fears I was having.   I didn’t know I was doing this at the time, now that I look back I can see it. I have since found out that I am not anti-depressant deficient.  I am not prescription drug deficient. I was not taking care of me, I was busy taking care of others with the thought that I would get the love I felt I was lacking, from them.  I always ended up full of resentment and feeling like I was even more unlovable.  I hated me for not loving hard enough not giving enough.

I used food to help me feel emotions that I was not able to feel in my life. I ate to forget or to feel love.  I was eating bad foods, even though those foods made me feel sick after I ate them, when I was eating them I felt things. I gained a lot of weight and the guilt had me eating more.  It was a cycle I got on that made me feel good when I ate but then I felt guilty and bad after.

I was taught to not feel emotions, I was to be strong and work hard.  I was to pick myself up and get on with life no matter what was happening in my life at that time.  I remember the time my mom came down to my room.  I was a teenager having hormonal issues and feeling sad.  She was so angry with me. I don’t know why I can only assume it was from her past fears and hurts.   She kept screaming at me asking me what is wrong with you?  I couldn’t answer her, nor would I have if I had known.  She would have beaten the shit out of me.  She ended up throwing a bible at me telling me that the only person who could love me was God.  I forgave her but that hurt was buried deep inside and as I am meditating and writing I find these memories come up like a child peeking around a corner.  I love them, allowing them to come to the forefront of my mind.

I would react to my grandchild when she had a problem, I would react and get upset and try to fix the problem.  I was supposed to fix it. Right?  NOPE,  I am learning that I should have stepped back letting her have her issue and just hugged and loved her.  I needed to be there to make her feel safe and loved, I was to allow her to have her moment of uncertainty, fear, or emotional breakdown.  Yet I was so messed up from all my past fears, hurts and unresolved issues, having no idea how to cope, feel safe in my own self I didn’t know how to help her.   I would become upset and fear for her, my mind making it seem like if I wasn’t there to fix things then my granddaughter would be scarred for life or somehow be killed.  It wasn’t like that at all, I didn’t have the mindset or better yet heart set that all would work out and be OKAY.  I didn’t encourage my daughter I made her fears and past hurt come up and make things bad between us both.  I ended up having my biggest fear happen.  I lost my daughter and my granddaughter, just like my mind kept making up.

I see that it was good that she has been away for a while so I could help me to find and love me.  I now know how to help her.  I miss her so much, I dreamed of my granddaughter today, I saw her come running towards me in my back yard and I started to cry.  I remember stepping back asking my heart what do I do?  My heart said cry,  love her, hold her and let her know you missed her.   I then heard my name being called it seemed so close, so clear, I recognized the voice! I was not quite asleep but was close to it.  Then it hit me, it was my sister!  She had passed to the spirit side 4 years ago.  I told her I loved her very much.  I woke feeling like I am closer to my family and friends that have passed on to the spirit side, I feel I can talk and feel her closer now than before. I had shut myself off from that side that I use to be able to feel that was or is me as well.  I am so much bigger than the universe and more.  I am allowing my heart to show me how big I truly am.

I feel like I am on a tilt-a-whorl at times, I am dizzy with all that is coming at me, it comes faster and fast these revelations I am having.  It’s so exciting but it can be a bit overwhelming as well.  I keep telling myself that I am OK and that my heart has me.  I am safe and this is what I am supposed to be experiencing.  If my mind tries to step in I acknowledge it and then allow my heart to take over and keep me on my path of love and acceptance.

Stress is just an illusion. There is nothing that we need to stress about, it is all being taken care of , we are being taken care of.  What is happening is meant to happen and we need to trust that it is going to be alright.  My mind stresses and makes up problems I on the other hand am fine, loved and watched over.  I am safe and it will be alright.

I have my fears of death but I am working on loving those limited thinking fear taught thoughts.   It’s good to be curious of death, yet the mind can make it so we can get to where we will do anything to not have to think about it.  I had used different distractions like Facebook, or watching tv as a way to hide from it.

Not anymore I am embracing my mortality, I am finding that I do not end though.  I go on to a higher consciousness in a spirit form.  I am life and I go on, it’s just in a different form from this body.  Goodness it is hard to wrap your mind around that.  It’s exciting yet there is that fear lingering in the back of the mind.  I will keep meditating on this.

So that was my day today.  I had a lot come up all day long, as I sat and colored my sugar skull while all these thoughts came up. I read five chapters in Kyle Ceases book, his videos are awesome but his book has much more depth and details on what he has been doing.

I am sitting and allowing my body to heal both physically, mentally and spiritually.  I am pleasantly tired tonight, so I am off to bed.   See ya in the morning.

sleepy hugs,



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