Hello… I truly was hoping that I would awaken this morning with a more positive out look and I just may still find it here somewhere. Last night I watch the new Beauty and the Beast, I thought they did a great JOB!! Yet as I sat and watch all the beautiful animations, the colors of the scenery and the beautiful songs I was over taken with the loss. It hit me that I am seeing more loss than I am seeing again right now. It hurts and it sucks. Old friends are slowly fading away, I am missing time with my little angel, I am lonely in my feelings, I don’t feel like I have the love connection I crave etc….
We are a social being and it hurts when we find ourselves having a shift in our awareness, it’s easy to fall into the pit of despair and wonder if you will truly find liked minded folks. I am going to guess this is one of the processes you are required to go through. When you are healing the inner hurt of many years passed.
I don’t like it one damn bit!!
I finished my movie and sat and cried for about 15 minutes. Looking into your own deep dark place inside you is much scarier than you think. When you turn the corners in your dark hallways of the mind and know that there is something that will bring up hurts you forced away, is a shock and frightening feeling. I’m guessing that is why so many people don’t do it. It is much easier to find a distraction, cause dramas and not face the deep dark part of you that needs healing. I don’t like scary jump out at you haunted houses, I did as a little girl, the thrill the unknown, now as I am grown and wiser those things seem to physically hurt my whole body with each jumping out and scream that comes my way. I love the houses where you find clues and make guesses or the real haunted houses you can feel the old energies in. I feel like there are times I feel like I am in the old jump out and get you haunted houses.
I wish that there was an easier way of going from scary room to scary room in my mind and be able to love and hug those hurts away, it would be nice to feel those old energies and not fear the unknown of them. I guess in some ways that are what I am doing. But wouldn’t it be grand if you had someone who could help you get there and help you not fear the next hidden hurt? I would say the pain of reliving that which you shoved and buried deep in you subconscious is the thing in which I speak of. Even as I type this part there are hurts that are bubbling up and I feel the tears in my eyes welling up as well.
Then you start to feel too overwhelmed and need to stop and breathe, and talk to that pain, acknowledge it and then sit with it till it has had enough of your time and then it leaves. And no there is no time limit. It leaves when it is supposed to.
I don’t want to write these kinds of blogs I would much rather have the happy funny thoughts, but that is not reality. I am not doing you any service if I lie to you and then as you go about your journey you find yourself in a train wreck of emotions. I would much rather be open and honest on this journey I am taking and sharing with you.
The way to help yourself find out why, the what for and then how can I’s, is to get somewhere comfortable and safe, and then ask why. Why do I have this feeling of the loss coming up? Why do I not see my gains like I was? Is it that I am reliving from my past and I don’t want to face it? Maybe I am just tired of the same old routine and want a different way of living and doing things.
When I am not being creative and have no outlet for my energies I think that is the biggest culprit I face. I feel as though I am lacking or not getting something and it makes me feel to subservient, then I get resentful and then I become uncomfortable with life. I start to see my losses and I get sad and depressed. The sad and the pain I feel is another past issues of restlessness I felt as a child, from having had no way to create of being free too. I’m setting limits on myself and then think they are as solid as bars in a jail house. See I told you that I probably would find out what was bothering me as soon as I started to type.
Writing out what I have going on has been my biggest help in healing. I am looking at outside forces to help me feel like I can be free when in all actuality it is in my mind that I have set up these barriers. I have not lost anything that is in my control and it is ok to mourn those things I see taken away or slipping away. But they do not control me and they do not limit me. Another past hurt has bubbled up and now I can heal her and help her move on.
I have witnessed many times on my 100-day challenge for myself; that I have set a lot of limitations on myself, that I have placed there or I have allowed others to place on me. The gain is that I am letting go of these limitations and finding new-found freedom, as I go forward and find more of this dark and deep limitations, searching in my old belief system for more of my hurts and pains. It is exciting when you get past the wreck of emotions you stumble into.
The biggest help you can give yourself is stopping, be quiet and ask why. When you find the answer, know that you can control how you are affected by it. I can stay in my limited thinking or… I can love it, acknowledge it and then remember that I am only limited in my thoughts because of me. No one else can control that.
Thanks for traveling with me on this journey today. I feel much better and will be back with more.
Until later, have an unlimited day!
Pictures: By Me!