There are those days when I feel like I want to chew up and spit out everyone around me. NO reason I am just feeling really out of sorts. Today is one of those days and it doesn’t help when my expectation of my husband’s behavior is not living up to my expectations. I couldn’t figure it out why today I felt so blah and crabby, it’s that feeling when you feel there is something very off in your life and no matter what you can’t seem to stop the downward spiral.
I figured I needed to hide out for a while and just let myself be. I have found that I have a way of picking on myself if things are not going like I want them to. If I am tired I am not happy with that. I noticed I was picking on myself for being sick today. My brain feels like mush and simple words have alluded me all day long. If I am not positive I feel like I am letting myself down. There are only so many times one can kick their own ass right?
I finally sat down this afternoon and figured out what the heck was bothering me, it took me asking why, then as I sat and watched as Kyle Cease was answering a woman’s concerns on one of his videos, it clicked for me. It was like he was answering the why and what for’s for me as well… I felt like I was lost and not connected with me, I get outside of myself and then I get really messed up. If I stay in my inner dialogue I do so much better and then that gets reflected outside of me. But today I was only getting a busy signal. I was thinking about how this day should be, wondering what I should write about on my blog. I don’t do well with that, I was forgetting to let those things go and flow and know that deep inside I will get my idea.
OKAY… with this knowledge I can then get back into my head and figure out how to get back to being just in this moment. Once I got back into the moment then the memories from the morning and early afternoon flooded in and I was able to see why I was upset.
Today we went to the sporting store to look at kayaks, I have been really wanting to pick up going kayaking, yet there is 1 million and 2 of them. So which one is a good fit for me, while at the store I had one of the sales people pull a kayak down and set it on the floor for me.
I have had some pretty messed up accidents in my life and one thing I can’t do is get in and out of a tub. If I can get to my knees and hands I can get up but it is hard when you’re in a bathtub. This particular kayak was like a bathtub, and there was no way I could get up and down. I think that I would be better with something flatter but I didn’t get to try it. I was so down that I quit and walked out, my heart was heavy and I felt like I was such a loser.
I felt let down, I have always been an active person until recently that is. I want so badly to start to do things now that I am coming out of this illness. I was disappointed that my husband didn’t give me a hug and say they don’t get down we will figure something out. Instead, I was told, I told you so and that I wouldn’t be able to do this. Now I know I should have said encouraging words to myself, but at that moment in my life I was needy and my needy didn’t get the attention that it needed. When we are sick we have a hard time going deep within and helping ourselves out, we have been taught that we seek help outside of self.
When we got home I was so angry at how the rest of the day went. I was tired of the heat, the shopping and the rude uncaring people we run into every day. The me that is strong and loves to have happiness and positivity in her life was starting to lose control and flipping people off like an old western shoot out…. in my mind, mind you!!
My Goodness, I only have survived being misdiagnosed for 20 years, and just now found out about my Lyme Disease and have come out of a drug induced, protracted withdrawal coma due to the benzo, for these past 9 years.
I guess I could give myself a little bit of credit here. How about this I need to give myself a huge hug and give me some big ole credit. When I get separate from my inner me I get lost and forget to take care of me. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. When we stop and listen to our worries, concerns and ask why they have arisen, then we can acknowledge and accept them, resulting in them going away and or healing.
I don’t want to have limitations, I hate that I can’t do what I want, because of the limitation my body has to deal with. So my favorite question I ask myself…. WHAT WOULD YOUR HEART SAY (WWYHS)?
I need to make it work for me; I need to find a way that I can do what I want and have it be comfortable for me. There are people who struggle with disabilities, yet they find ways to overcome them. I need to find a way and the right kayak, it will just take some time to do it. I got online and looked up kayaks for disabled people, and I found some great ideas.
I am on the right road, but why must I still fight the one person who I feel should be backing me up? What in me is fighting and feeling like this is a battle in my life? Is it that I have been told no and then just backed off and didn’t fight for what I wanted to many times. I would imagine that would be a heart breaker to not keep trying and give up because someone told me to. But guess what, when I was at my lowest with my illness and there was no hand out there to pick me up; was still not there for me, I did struggled crawled and did it all by myself and got better. I know I have the will; I will find a way to make this happen and it will be great. It’s just believing in yourself and continuing on. One step at a time in the direction you want and keep those encouraging words coming Dear one. Looking in mirror giving me the thumbs up.
Today I am fighting my pain and tiredness. I love to go exploring and take trips but they can wear me down as well. I fought to push myself today to get shopping down and that caused me stress as well. I know My body is still healing and needs to have time to relax and heal if I continue to push; I usually come down with a migraine and more aches and pains. It’s what we are taught to do… it’s another thing I need to reprogram and let go.
Like the song by Alabama… I’m in a Hurry. Where the hell does we think we are going? I have laughed so hard at this, we are not getting out of here without leaving this body behind; so all that crap you been getting… it ain’t going with you. All you get at the end of this life is your memories and being reunited with your family, friends and fur babies. Better get your priorities straightened out then… RIGHT??
Yes, we have jobs and lessons we signed up to learn… the karma of it is that if we don’t get it learned here at this time and place we will come back to redo it all till we get it learned. I don’t know about you but I don’t like retesting!
So how do you know what you need to learn?
Follow your heart not your head; what feels light and makes you excited and happy… that is your heart. What makes you feel heavy, and questions you, that grumpy down in the dumps feeling, is your mind. Don’t follow that. Simply acknowledge the thought and then let it flow on out the door. OUR mind wants us to feel we don’t have the knowledge to do the right and loving things. When you trust in your heart, you’ll do nothing but the right and loving thing.
It is time to close this for the night, I am ready to find the Sandman and get some good sleep. Until tomorrow.
Sleep well and dream big.