Choose your Mountain….

Good morning to my lovely self.

Waking from a nightmare this morning of trying to find my Grand baby.  The dream comes from the very real truth that my daughter is keeping my grand child away from  me.  Why? I don’t know….

The heartbreaking realism is that my daughter and her hurtful choices has dragged me into a pit of despair that I awoke to this morning.   I am on many mountains in my life.  I have the mountain of learning, where I am finding and healing the inner me.  I have the mountain of illness where I have an illness that has no cure as to date.  The mountain of reality,  I see where the truth of me and my husband is not working out for the betterment of he and I.  My life on some days is peaceful and full of happiness, happy blue skies and wispy clouds float lazily by, yet there are days that come up in hurricane winds and blizzards of misfortune, catching up with me taking the very breath of my sanity and well-being to the brink and back.

I try to choose that mountains path of happiness, love and hope.  That life doesn’t seem to include those around me that follow the same rules I do. There I go pushing my positivity on  to those who are amongst me, but the outcome of my chosing not theirs.

The emotions that I see lacking in this world has become one the worse epidemics, worse than cancers to me.

Why? If you have read my blog you have read where I talk about the lack of human emotions I feel we have going on in this world.  Look at the hurt we have happening.  The lack of human emotion is the biggest feeder for this evil.  If you truly care about yourself, then wouldn’t  you have a connection with those around you!  I am not the only one who has preached this through the years.  Many great minds have said this over and over, we just haven’t seen a true awakening of people to be able to listen till now?

A rethought on what the definition of  awakening means to me…. those who finally get their own heads out of their own ass and pay attention to what they are doing to others…. Didn’t sugar coat that one did I?  Truly sorry for that, I am having a rough day.  Hugs anyone?

It is truly maddening to hear from those who seem to have not transverse the path of realism and preach the gospel that all will work out and be for the better, when in fact they have no real idea.  Do they? !  Again I will say it I am angry!!!

 That guru or very lovely person who is out there selling their book to you  about finding your inner you and letting those go who have no control on you.  Truly a great message but really guys? … no one can touch you?  The human heart is more than trying to learn how to ignore that which is to them, just a minor irritation.  Argghhh OK I am breathing and letting it flow…  As I follow it to the very depth of hell where it belongs!  Spits on it, turn and walk away!!!

I am angry this morning and it is brought on by the heart-break that my daughter brings on. I am a forgiving person but my emotions can take only so much.  I am not a saint nor have a found a saint that doesn’t get really PISSED OFF!!  The callousness of her emotionless feelings that what she is doing doesn’t affect anyone.  Or better yet her cold calculations on what she does, does brings terrible pain on the person she is doing the ugly deed to.  That is more believable than the old saying, she knows not what she does.  WE as HUMANS are not that Stupid  !! Some may act that Stupid but don’t be fooled!

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.  Albert Einstein
This rant is almost over…. just stick with me for a moment Okay?
health-beauty-girlfriend-rant-ranting-meditation-meditating-aton5136_low.jpg (400×365)

I am all about calling attention to the very hurt they are inflicting.   I think that we need to hold people accountable for their actions.  If you want to hurt others than I believe that you should be held accountable.  No matter what kind of hurt you inflict.  And let’s go one step further… those who are around the person giving the hurt need to step up and speak out against those doing the hurting.  Just because you have a fear that that person will engage in hurtfulness towards you, doesn’t give them the right to bully all involved.

Yes my daughter is a bully and she uses her baby to get what she wants.   It’s a travesty that she is allowed by the whole family to do such. There I said it and wrote it out loud!! Shame shame shame on you!!

Question if you watch someone hurt another and do nothing about it are you not just as guilty?

Aiding and abetting is a legal doctrine related to the guilt of someone who aids or abets in the commission of a crime. It exists in a number of different countries and generally allows a court to pronounce someone guilty for aiding and abetting in a crime even if they are not the principal offender

Shame on those that sit back, or condone the vicious acts that are happening. You see a crime or someone hurting someone else and do nothing makes you just as UGLY!!

Deep Breathe!! Now I need to get my mind out of this place and put my heart back in control. But how? {


There is a difference in how I can handle loss, there is the loss of my mom, she has Alzheimer’s  I can understand that with my mind, but my heart wants to cure her.  My sister is gone, I lost her to death, and I can understand that in my mind yet my heart misses her so.  What is happening with my daughter and my grandchild I can not understand in mind or heart. No therapist can give me the answers I am looking for either, for they can not understand her as well.

Our whole lives we have been taught the horrors of the world.  Our history books teach us the horrors of past years.  The news is 30 minutes of horror.  The bible even though filled with very lovely message, there are still stories of horrors recorded by the thoughts of the writer, they are then taught in our churches.  WHY!!! You can’t even hear a story from someone who doesn’t have a horror part in that story.  Why?

Example:  Me and my family went to the Great Sand dunes and had a wonderful time.  The trip up was filled with laughter and funny stories of our past week.  We decided to stop at the Alligator Farm just 30 minute up the road first.  Ahh the pictures and the neat things to see and do.  So much fun was had and such great memories to be made.  As we left with our little mementos and pictures we were all super excited about going to see the dunes and wade in the river that runs in front of them from the snow melt of the surrounding mountains.  We all had a great time and you could see the sun had kissed our cheeks.  Lunch of homemade sandwiches tasted like a 5 star restaurant.

Nice huh?

How about this story … our family journey started out OK, my husband was not really in the nicest mind-set.  Every driver on the road was being a complete asshole.  As we made our way to our destination we were bombarded by idiot drivers and almost ran off the road three times.  The constant derogatory remarks from my husband had my head aching and I could feel the discomfort from the boys.  I had enough by the time we reached the alligator farm and it took me most of the time spent there to get over the road trip.  As I was buying my little souvenirs I was reminded by my husbands off-handed comment that I was spending his motorcycle battery money, even though it was my money.  I felt so deflated and unhappy making a mental note not to ever go with him again….

Both stories are true, we did have issues  yet a wonderful time as well, but which story we chose is the one we will remember and cherish.

There is a belief by the Hawaiian people, handed down from their ancestors, they practiced what is called Ho’oponopono.  There are days I am tested by the very thought that is taught in this belief, that I am the one who is creating these travesties in my own life.  I have no idea why I want that,  but that is what I have heard and am witnessing.  I am learning that I live from past hurts, fears, and wrong teachings, but why the heck would I want to create hurt in my life?

I can answer this right here.  It is not that I want to cause myself hurt and anguish but that I have not been taught how not to heal from hurt and anguish in my life, which we do because we don’t know how to live life to its fullest.  It is hard for us to understand that we were taught not to feel our emotions to their fullest.  It is hard to break those thoughts. I have to learn to allow myself to be OK with every emotion I have.  Sound easy? Try this, the next time your friend, love one, child or hubby says something or does something that ticks you off, push the very first thought out into the open.  You don’t have to say it out loud but be ready to see it.

I work on letting my emotion come up but think why am I having these feelings come up. Are they a ghost from my past hurts or am I in the moment and do I really care if I say what I feel.  Will it make the situation worse or make me feel much better.  If I am out-and-out right I usually say what I need to let them know why I feel the way I feel.  Later if I have over reacted I apologize.  That one is hard.  I felt like if  I said I was sorry that gave them control over me.  Really after saying my sorry I felt more empowered.  Crazy huh?

When we open up a dialogue and talk we find that what they were doing and what we were feeling, really wasn’t so much them, it was how what happened made you feel.  I don’t know about you but I pretty much have eatenthe hurt I get and or got so angry that I felt like I had gone crazy at how angry I get. I am sure they thought I had too!

What is ho’oponopono?

On the surface level, many people have understood ho’oponopono to be a mantra where one repeats the words ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you’ as a form of mental and spiritual cleaning that could be compared to buddhist techniques for clearing karma. It has been defined as a forgiveness and reconciliation practice, cleansing of ‘errors of thought’ – the origin of problems and sickness in the physical world, according to the Hawaiian worldview. The literal translation is ‘to put to right; to put in order or shape, correct, revise, adjust, amend, regulate, arrange, rectify, tidy up, make orderly or neat.”

The mind is very controlling and we have been taught not to live our emotions. This has  a way of creating a mountain of hurt as well as lots of  anger.  I have had to relearn that it is OK to be OK with sad or Happy days.  Sad is not negative and we are not meant to be positive and happy every second of the day.  When we hold our sad in we get angry.  When I heard that it was OK to be sad I felt so much relief come over me.

So why when I was asleep and resting did I have the nightmare?  I felt it was because I was having a rough time not having my grand-daughter around to share in our out-door adventure. The feelings of abandonment came up, plus that little angel was so grateful for all I did for her and she would say so.  I wasn’t hearing that from those around me now.   The hurt that has been afflicted onto me, turned into thoughts that came up in the wee hours of the morn as a heart-break, loss, confusion, distrust, and so much more.

I have to realize it is my fear and my hurt that I didn’t allow to come forward, then take it as it is and allow it to be a part of me.  As I cried and got upset, later today,  it helped me to release that sadness, loss, hurt and anger, it help me to be happy that it was alright to be with my emotion, to understand why I felt the way I did.   I needed to accept what I felt and I knew in my heart was not right.   It’s like I had my heart dragged out of that nice, fluffy blanket of warmth, and tossed into Ice cold water?

Ho’oponopono It? Yes and give those emotions a chance to stand up and be heard.  I like to imagine that I am in a room of my emotions and we are sitting in group therapy.  What would the conversation be like?

I am sorry                                                                                                                                                 Please forgive me                                                                                                                                    Thank you                                                                                                                                                 I love you

I am sorry that I have allowed these thoughts to re-enter my mind and that I didn’t love them. I am sorry I didn’t give you a chance hurt, and anger to express your thoughts.

Please forgive me my wonderful heart for not allowing my mind to find its way back to pain and then embrace it. I am so sorry disappointment and pain for shoving your concerns to the curb.

Thank you for traveling this Mountain of tears and helping me to learn to allow all my emotions to be with me and my inner child, helping us to heal from our hurts.

I love you for your patience with me and for continuing to help me relearn what I had been taught wrongly.  I promise I will allow you all your turn when you need to be there.

We all hug talk and go for the cookies and tea in the back of the room.

I have taking you over one of my mountains and we have made it full circle again.   I am still angry, frustrated, hurt, sadden, disappointed, confused and mad, my emotions are  still there but I can stop crying, step back and now see the bigger picture.

Life is like that and it can be a real downer at times.  When those times come up embrace them and love them, for they are when you make the biggest changes in your life.  By the way, we forget to allow others to have their difficult moments as well.

How about we try this, when you see a friend or a loved one going through a rough spot, hand them a cold beverage, give them a hug and the tissue box and allow them to feel and be one with their emotions.  Maybe you need to step back and let them be.

The German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche said this beautiful quote “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”

I am becoming stronger with every passing day!!

Advice from A Sand Dune:                                                                                                             Soak up the Sunshine                                                                                                                                Stay Loose                                                                                                                                               Keep Moving                                                                                                                                               Embrace Winds                                                                                                                                   of Change                                                                                                                                                  Make positive Ripples                                                                                                                              Don’t get                                                                                                                                                 carried away                                                                                                                                             Show Your                                                                                                                                              true grit

May the spirit move you to love and embrace you more,                                                              WWYHS   What would your heart say?

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