Attention: Emotions may be at deaths door!

Testing Testing … tap tap is this thing ON??

I am sitting here meditating an a thought came up that I wanted to get written down.

As I sat and listened to the music, breathing and concentrating on relaxing I had a thought come up in my mind, well lots of thoughts, but the first one was  what if someone comes up to the house and steals your air conditioner.  I  find my mind going into fight or flight response and I am thinking how will I be able to stop them and call the police, then I take a deep breath and say to my brain from my heart “STOP IT”, “what’s wrong with you?!  Why are you causing me undue stress and worry, I am supposed to be here in the present, enjoying my time of self.” Then another voice pipes in and says but you are finding out about yourself,  this is a perfect example of the dysfunction running around in your thoughts.  My brain is on stress detail all the time.  So then another thoughts comes into my mind.  Why is my brain making up scary scenarios?  Do I not have anything better to think about?  My inner child starts to throw in all the hate and hurt from my past, like it’s feeding a bon fire,  and then my mind says lets relive all your past pain and illnesses.  This is where I need to look at this from outside of myself.

I am having to heal that inner child that I have ignored for years.  I have allowed my mind to over take my heart and now I am fighting to keep my emotions alive.

My marriage is about as deep as a dinner plate and we have about a thimble of things in common anymore and yes we both know this.  I wonder out loud {why}?  Well I don’t really know that answer but my heart does,  I have put myself where I am safe and can heal right now.  I am very grateful for this! I can not answer for my husband, maybe fear of being alone or the hurt that will come when we let go and walk away has him staying. Again I don’t know, I know I can’t take care of myself yet, I am working on healing myself everyday, yet there is that realization that I may never be able to get myself up to working an 8 hour job.  My worst fear is having to be on disability.  That is what I am fighting not to have to do.   Yet sometimes we have to do that very thing we fear.

I have found that it is OK not to know all the answers to the why’s or what will be.  Yes meditation is a wonderful way to find all the things that are  or are going to shit in your lifetime.  Am I glad I started practicing getting to know my wreck of a life?  I’ll answer you here in a moment.

I breathe in deeply once again and let go of the struggle I have inside and a memory from this morning comes back to the forefront of my mind.  I wrote a note about how life has become sterile and how  I am being affected by this terrible new age disease.  As I am working on the why this issue is coming up in my mediation, I am hit with another question.  What is it that has me wondering what life would be like to find another who is like-minded and fun to be around?  My first thought was of communication, how wonderful to be with someone who listens, and takes interest in your thoughts? How great to be able to laugh at the way we take life to serious.  It’s the lack of being heard that I miss.  As a child it was a common saying from my parents that children are to be seen not heard.  Sad face

I love to hear my kids talk and share their thoughts I always have.  I love to hear little ones in stores and restaurants.  I love to watch the amazement they have in their eyes at the newness of this world.  I watch as I see the dull eyes of adults as they have forgotten the magic of this world. The emotions they have hidden deep inside and replaced with the nothingness.  Do you remember the movie The never Ending story? The nothingness that was erasing the words of the book, killing the magic of a story, the adventure, the journeys, pain, overcoming difficulties, friendships, trusting yourself,  and so much more… remind you of our own story here on Earth?

Our nation has become a mass of people who have one of the best communication technology in our very fingers, yet we are the most dysfunctional race of folks to walk this planet.  Our daily lives are but a robotic movement.  As the day starts for any given person, wakes to go to work or get the kids out the door they barely talk or listen to one another. I see the adult or child with an expressionless face go from point A to Point B with no real reason for doing so, but that it is expected.

Our schools have become prisons and just as sterile as our lives have become, our very service men and women as well as our children are guinea pigs for the medical community.  The compassion of our world is choked out by the horror stories we see on the 5 o’clock news.  Try this change the channel when the news is on and watch all the news stations on at that time, give each channel about 5 minutes, who can fill 30 minutes with the worst and most horrific stories of human suffering?

One week a year you see  families cram all they can into that one week, yet the phone’s the fake news are there right beside them. I love to go to a cabin in Gunnison where there is no phone service, and if there is I pretend there isn’t and turn off my phone.  I keep it around just in case of an emergency.  What…. no selfies and instagram?  NOPE What would they do if  they had no internet connection and only the stillness of the world around them?  Would they notice the worry in their children’s eyes?  Would you see how tired your wife looks or how worn down your husband is?   How about this ,can you see how dysfunctional your relationship, job, life has become?

Would you see you standing there with tears running down your face as you come to the realization that your mother, father, son, daughter or grandchild  has been diagnosed with (multiple list of illness here) and you have been taught to trust in a broken medical community. Yet there is a little voice screaming at you that there is more to life than the 20% you are living.

Would you ask you what was wrong or walk by for it isn’t your business or you don’t care?  Testing testing is this thing on!!!  Hello you have you heard from your inner self today?  He/she keeps leaving messages.  That raised blood pressure, that cough you can’t get over, how about those migraines.  How about that depression, tiredness or panic attacks you have.  You keep going to the doctor and putting a band-aid on a gun shot wound.  How is that working for you?  HELLOOOOOO anyone out there want to be caring anymore?

Why Should you?

For your own salvation, is that a good enough reason?!

My mind switches to all the hurt I have had, or the stresses I have in my life.  I struggle to let it come and be among me.  I sit by my inner child and we both scream and  cry at the past and fears we still live with. Her and I are still dealing with some heavy stuff here. And most of the life I have run by her stuck with my fingers in my ears and singing la la la la as I speed by her. I shoved my little hurt inner me down as deep inside of me as I could.

She came bubbling back up as an illness.

As I face her now and listen to all that she has to say it helps me to understand her, because I needed to hear and face this a LONG LONG time ago.  My parents were not the best when it came to giving encouragement let alone a hug when I was hurting. Heck it was a warm and fuzzy to just have them say something nice to me.  I heard often, pick yourself up and go on, no pain no gain.

I remember doing that to one of my children on day,  my heart broke and I stopped and picked them up.  How can I ask so much from a little struggling human, how dare I tell them to stop feeling and get back into the rat race, like my parents did.  Stop the chain of destruction here was my thought.  I will not be like My mom and Dad!

I was lost though!! How was I to replace what I knew , but was feeling wrong for me and yet my fear of doing what I felt was right was questioned all the time.  I wish I knew what I know now.  I should have told them to shut the F up! That as long as it hurt non it was OK>

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Let’s let that thought sink in, breath and  think about this for a moment!  Our emotions are the voice of our soul.  How then can we ignore that nagging voice, some of us purposely ignore?  My emotions should affect you, and yours should effect me. They are our souls speaking to one another.  WOW

Our emotions connect us to the deepest parts of our inner selves. They are our connection to our inner knowing, to our inner voice. They connect us to the very core of how we feel about ourselves, about others and about life itself. As I type this I have tears in my eyes.  I am sadden that I am seeing the nothingness claiming so many people.

You see it too maybe you just don’t want to acknowledge it.  It’s easier to turn on the tv, you tube videos and tune out of life.  Why are you tuning out and wait for death to claim you?

When you get very old and can do no more in this life, when you look back at your life will you have that sense that you lived it remarkably for you? Did you learn to feel all you had inside, love as hard as you could, to heal all that is the inner you?  Did you let go and thank those who taught, hurt and helped you realize you deserve that abundance of love? Did you thank you for standing up for you and loving yourself when no one else knew how?

Will you go after that one thing that you were taught was not what you were suppose to want?  Will you listen to your heart and follow it or will you let the dogma that was  taught to your mind keep you from all you dreamed of?  Can you sit by yourself and cry at the beauty that is you?? If you haven’t an answer or have not done most of these things in life, you might want to get busy, your running out of time and will miss that opportunity to being the best and most loving you!

To answer my question from earlier, do I like meditation. Yes!! I am learning so much about me and I am falling head over heels in love with who I was, who I am becoming and who I am.  Thanks for reading and feeling this message.

With my deepest love,                                                                                                                            Blueglasswitch84

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