May I be well and Happy

med·i·ta·tion
ˌmedəˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. the action or practice of meditating.
    “a life of meditation”
    synonyms: contemplationthoughtthinkingmusing, pondering, considerationreflectiondeliberationruminationbroodingreverie, brown study, concentration;

    “cultivating the presence of God through meditation”
    • a written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject.
      plural noun: meditations
      “his later letters are intense meditations on man’s exploitation of his fellows

    I woke this morning from a nightmare.  My dream started off with several cute little kittens and as I pick one up to snuggle it turns into a beautiful little girl.  As I hold and play with her I look up into a full length mirror, as my eyes lock onto mine in the reflection, I realize this little girl isn’t my granddaughter.  My little Lady bug I call her.  I can feel the heart-break in the dream and it follows me as I wake from the dream, my cries are of those who have lost their most cherished dreams, I wake thinking … nothing can replace my Lady Bug.

    How can people be so mean I wonder as I walk through my tears trying to find something to hold onto.  My heart feels like a new crack has developed in its soft folds.

    To add this to a week of hard realizations. Meditation seems to do that to those I have talked, read about or watched on YouTube.  IT SUCKS AT TIMES. To face your demons is not something that one actively looks for.  I would much rather watch tv or stay super busy and not have to go through.

    Yesterday I drove to the mountains to meet up with my sister and brother n law to go through my moms personal effects.  As I go through them the memories of  me or us kids having given her this things comes flowing through.  If I had only known that the little trinkets we picked out lovingly would have come back to us, I would have given her something else.  I would have bought her memories.  I should have gone on trips and bought her memories, she would have gotten to enjoy those on the other side.

    I am so blessed because my sons buy me memories.

    As I meditate I am brought back to my memories, some bad but most of them remarkably beautiful.  I sit here typing, thinking, I don’t want to waste one moment.  You realize that our time here on earth is but a blink of an eye.  How sad that we waste a lot of it on the hurts of the past and live in fear for the rest.  Life is so short. We make our priorities on superficial things and not on what is most important, loving those we have in our lives, as well as letting go of those who need to be let go.

    I’m trying to remember the times I played and loved that little angel of mine, but my ego says I want more.  My Ego wants to make the expectation I had of my daughter first and foremost.  I can’t understand why someone would think that hurting someone else is ok.  My heart just can’t understand this.  And I don’t think there is enough time sat meditating on this that will help me understand.  I walk around this house with Ghosts of memories and the battle between my heart and ego rage on.

    I am struggling with the thoughts of why do I feel like I am not supposed to be here anymore.  Maybe on one of those times I almost died and didn’t, I messed up, I shouldn’t be here I should have died.  I don’t feel like I belong here on this earth.  I feel such a disconnect around some of the people in my life.   Is it because I am growing and awakening to a different reality than them? I can not figure out how people can care so little.  I see it all around me.  How do I get them to care?? They go around not caring if they kill folks or hurt them by their actions or inactions.

    I love how in the Movie Roots when the character played by Whoopi Goldberg said ” Until you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail.”

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    What if this was the honest to God truth of things. If you hurt someone then your going to have your going to have hurt fall on your life.   When you do wrong to others it comes back on you till you do right.  That would make me feel a little better! How about you?

    I don’t want no one to hurt like I have in my life, yet I do want to see people love one another. I want to see more compassion and love for all man kind.  It’s such a hopeless feeling to see so much pain brought on from lack of caring.  If you don’t care about yourself and want to leave this earth plane, then by all rights you should, but don’t sit there and hurt others.

    I have gotten to where I can not watch the news, all you see is nothing but unhuman acts of hurt.  Why would we want to promote this?! I don’t put my thoughts and feeling on others, you can think and do as you please.  Yet if you want to be in my life then I will expect you to be there in a loving and kind way.  That should be a standard practice for all… yet that is not the case at all.

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    My way to meditate is to write.  There is no wrong or right way when it comes to finding a quiet spot and looking inside.  To feel , acknowledge, love it and let it flow.

    May you find your happiness in these difficult days.  Love and light

     

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