I woke this morning stressing and worried. As I listen to my favorite meditation guru Kyle Cease, his message today was to go inside yourself and allow all those stresses and worried thoughts to come to the surface. I was having a hard time coming up with my thoughts today. I just wanted to cry and cry. I turned on some beautiful music and am now putting down my thoughts.
The number one thought to come to mind in my illness, I know that having been diagnosed with Lyme really was a great start to knowing what I am up against, yet it’s a really heavy weight to bear as well. I keep hearing the voice of my brother, after telling him what I have been diagnosed with, as his voice continues to echo through my head, yet your Lyme will never go away. I got up this morning and looked into this and after many searches I can not find where the CDC or any other medical community said that Lyme is cured after treatment. I feel the tears well up into my eyes as I let that thought sink in.
Second thought to come up is the fact that I am having to relearn different things I once knew. It surprises me how Lyme can change the functioning of the brain so much. The other day I went out to shoot with my boys. I literally freaked out, it was if I had never held a weapon in my life. I stood there looking and feeling so lost. How could I who was brought up to shoot and know guns all my life, not have a clue what I was doing? I remember somewhere in the back of my mind that I knew this but it wouldn’t come to my hands or my breathing. This wasn’t the first time either there are times it takes everything I have to put together a single sentence that makes sense. It’s super crazy and scary, I think about my mom on these days.
My son jokes with me about putting me into a home like my mother and I want to scream and run. Even though my mom decided where she wanted to go.
I already feel alone how much worse would it be to be drugged and sitting in a room full of strangers the same way ,and not have a way to communicate. How cruel can we be, we treat our animals better than we do human beings. Yet we go on with our emotionless life and not think about it till we are faced with it. I just read an article that Kris Kristofferson was misdiagnosed with Alzheimer’s when in reality he has Lyme Disease. How many patients are being treated for Alzheimer’s that may have something else going on!?
Third thought to come up is the way my granddaughter is being used against me by my daughter. How I wish you would go in for a physical evaluation. I really do feel like she has some very big mental problems and they will not get better till she gets in and gets help, but until that happens I have to be ok with just a picture and seeing my granddaughters little toys, princesses dresses, dresser drawers full of clothes in my home. Why is it so easy to find hatred and ugliness comforting for some people? Why it is so hard to forgive and work out our differences? I work on those thoughts and try to let those thoughts go. It has nothing to do with right or wrong, that I did something wrong, it can be forgiven unless the person just wants to hold on to hatred. It isn’t me who threw my daughter away and took from her. It is her cross to bear, yet I still have to work on not letting it drag me down into depression. Life can be so confusing at times.
I write and work on my thoughts everyday as well as work through my illness. I am tired today, so I will rest, weep and go on letting go, forgiving and healing.
I love to take pictures of my mountain. I can see them where I sit and write. Last night the sunset was picture perfect. The sun behind the mountains made it look like there was a fire behind the mountains. The colors of the clouds and the sky help me believe there is so much more to life than the in and outs of the day. It gives me hope that our souls are here for more than what little bit we do each day. Life is what we make it to be, but only if we want to see the huge picture out there, like those mountains, from here they look so little and smooth, but as you get closer you can see the massive rocks, the streams that cut through the stone, the magnificent pine trees, that you could encircle with five to six people with arms stretched out. The cheery aspens that dance and shimmer in the wind. If you sit still you can hear the whisper of the wind through the leaves of aspens. The song birds that sing just because they are happy and can. I look out my window and realize that what I see can be limited or I can allow my mind to soar over the land-scape and picture the terrain. Meditation helps me to soar on the warm wind currants and to see the fire in my soul. To look above the mundane and reconnect with the bigger picture of life.
Those thoughts are just the little smooth mountains, yet me as a spiritual being, I am like the huge massive mountain with all the rivers, trees and wildlife. I am that soul that has fire. I want to yell at all who going around with the same every day emotionless existence, those who get up and do the same thing day in and day out and then change-up a bit when a holiday comes up. Why!? Why do we fear living and loving. Why do we fear the unknown and stop caring? There is a great big world out there with a much bigger picture. I send out love and the wish that you wake up and cry, scream and feel every little fear emotion you’ve shut out and that you see the massiveness of your life. Love and light