My two week wake up journey

How awesome would it be if you got to go back to your best childhood memory?  What would it be? How about that one Love that stays in you mind?

I took off two whole weeks from social media and meditated and found creative ways to fill in that time that was taken over on Facebook, instagram, twitter, and watching the news.

Frist thing I found was my childhood like wonder come back. I had no idea I had tunnel vision so badly.  I stopped seeing the little things in life.  I saw them but they were just a meaningless blob of colorless objects.  My main focus was that need to get up in the morning and pick up my phone and see who liked my twitter, or Facebook meme.  I even got so bad with meme’s that instead of writing to my BFF for their birthday I would send a meme instead.  How ridiculous is that?! That is up and up shameful.

I found that I had put away all feelings and thoughts of  who and what was in my heart. I have become the disconnected of the world.  I see those who get too busy to even make time for those whom they say are their loved ones, friends or family . Social media had made it very easy to shut people out that make you feel!

How can one find if they truly are happy in a relationship or job if their only focus is checking their Facebook or twitter account. How can one see if they only see the road back and forth to work?  OUCH

And don’t you dare miss that tv show that they will replay six hundred times!!

Then there is the fear of the news.  How could you stick your head in the sand and not keep up to date with what is going on in government??

IT’S SUPER EASY.  Turn off the TV, Push the button to stop Notifications on your CEllular device and computer. Bam INSTANT FREEDOM>>>>

If your about to click out of this blog  and want to tell me to mind my own business and to  go to hell…. GOOD… I am touching on that place in your heart  that needs to be awaken.  Here I’ll give you a hug, I’ll even hold your hand and make some tea too.  I love you and you need to hear this. Am I saying this to the reader.  Not if you don’t want it to be.  I am talking to me, myself and I. Did you know that most of the talking we do is for our own benefit.  LOL

It was really strange the first couple of days with out my Facebook and news.  I would sit and look out the window at this magnificent view of my mountains.  I would hear the birds chirping, the drip from my kitchen facet hitting a pan, the refrigerator running, the dogs breathing.  The one thing that was really wild is all the thoughts my mind would be having. I allowed them to come and go like an oceans wave.  It feels like two or three radio stations playing at the same time.   There was a hum as well.  NO I don’t have tinnitus, although I have had it with my Lyme Disease.  It’s a totally different hum, it’s like your hearing something from far away but can’t quiet make out the voices.

The hum goes away and you start to see colors become more vivid. I found that I loved to write more. No more writers block, I allowed my thought no matter what they were to transcribe onto the page. Judgement of what others might say were forgotten.  They don’t matter what matters is what I feel and how I want to express it.  Love makes your thoughts and words pain-free.  But you have to love you first for that to happen.

Then came the pain, the emotional pain, the physical pain from past and present hurts.  They welled up like a geyser and would consume me.  I walked around the house and would cry like a little lost child,  at times such heart breaking pain would wash over me.   I still have those times but they don’t take me by surprise anymore.  I look forward to them, for now I know that I am clearing, healing and rediscovering who I lost a long time ago. These feelings are mine, those hurts are mine, they make me who I am today. I can allow them to shut me down and drown in the fear of hurt, or as I have chosen I allow them to build me up, help strengthen me and lift, give me the courage to face diversity.  Feelings of lightness help me to navigate this world, the heavy feelings I am learning to allow to flow through and go on with love.  I have more energy and I feel like I found a tool to negotiate through troubling times, but also enjoy those wonderful loving times.

I have found that life has meaning as well.  I want to help others find their way back to what is really important.  LOVE, FACING FEARS, LETTING  GOOF JUDGEMENTS ( about yourself as well as others).

How can one love if they are miserable and lost in their own thoughts?  YOU can’t.  YOU will allow the ego or mind to shut out the heart and you will stay or continue to journeying into a life where you live a simple but un-fulfilling life. Life is supposed to be messy and not settled.  Yet we are taught the opposite.  How boring to have a settled non fun life.  To do the same old thing day in and out.

Now ask yourself this, is that what you want?

Do you remember that time you fell in love, no lust but love.  The calls, the letters, those times you got to see that person.  You loved who you were around them.  Yes you loved them but you loved who you were around them more.  And that’s ok.  You were meant to do just that, that is what true love is all about.  Love yourself around someone who made you feel love for being just you.  That’s the place you should be in your life everyday.  Those who come through and show you that you, you don’t like are good too.  Those are the ones you thank and let go, for they are the ones who showed you that you, you were not loving  like you should have been. Can you tell this is all about YOU? Giggle

I found through my quiet time that I have been taught not to show My emotions, don’t you dare say something that might hurt someones feelings, keep it all bottled up, don’t look at that person in a restaurant… In fact one day at a diner I liked I was looking around and this young lady who was setting in a booth in front of me caught me looking around, she being so insecure with her self gave me a look of such hatred.  Why I wondered at the time.  Now I know and I should have stuck my tongue out at her and smiled.  It would have been better than me sitting there in fear and ruining my dinner for the night. Let go on with the no you may not love yourself more than others, how selfish of you, you need to look like this, you are to be spoken not heard, you need to show respect to me, how can you not care what the president is doing, worry you need to worry, don’t you dare laugh when I’m saying things about my troubled times and the list goes on… Why?

Why can’t I say or do what ever comes to mind.  In all actuality it’s probably the best thing to say or do at that time.  If I wait and think about what to say I’ll just F it up!! How many times have you thought wow I should have just said what was in my heart and let the shit hit the fan.  BUT no, I made sure it was politically correct and would not be misconstrued and hurt their feelings, because I am so fearful of causing a fight that might actually cause me and them to realize that the way we are doing things, in this relationship, sucks!!   I’ll bet you 100 dollars you still got your ass handed to you!! Should have said the first thought and walk on.  I love you!

“No one breaks our hearts they only break our expectation we had of them.”  Kyle Cease

WOW  right? Let that thought sink in there for a moment.

My next adventure as I continued on with my two weeks of no social media  and meditation, was finding who I am.  I love to laugh and listen to others points of view, without feeling that I have to defend my thoughts. It’s crazy how I got to feeling I had to justify my very existence. I had been taught that I need to know why I am here on this earth plane.

Yet as I have found out, I am only here to do one thing and that is to love, not to judge or  to be right. I am not here to be in fear every time I look, write and say anything.  I found that if it comes from my heart and not my head, that it was not mis-understood.  Try it, I dare ya!

I had my son over one night and we talked about politics for over two hours.  I wouldn’t have been able to do that two weeks ago.  I thought that being the adult I HAD to know it all. I should be able to tell my kid how he must think and it needs to be the way I was taught to think.  LAUGHING OUT LOUD>   Guess what I don’t have to be right and a know it all, and that it is wonderfully freeing!! Ohh the freedom of letting go of  thoughts of judgement, the right and wrongs the bullcrap of being a drone!!  NO MORE DOGMA THINKING!! I’M FREEEEEE!!

It was so refreshing to hear his thoughts and views.  MY heart grew with pride as I heard my son speak of allowing others to think and have the freedom to learn and feel! How marvelous to see this fine upstanding man, that I had the joy of bring up in my love and care.

To have the courage as a mom, to stand back and watch him walk and navigate through this world.  I his mom who has screwed up, struggled and yet now look at him, in awe as he and I talk about those things that don’t mean nothing but are made to be, yet we sit in a loving light and laugh at the silliness that means everything. No better gift than to see your loved one free and able to think outside of the dogma of society! beam beam! My son walked away seeing me in a new light as well, for he told me so. smile

My life has taken on a new life, and I love every moment.  I look forward to the ups and downs, that may come my way. I grow with each moment of old pains that pass through my mind. I don’t fear the pain of the past, I love them as hard as I can and then send them on their way.  Thank you for the lessons.  love you

I found I can laugh at myself more!  I love to laugh at me, I’m one funny gal.  I woke this morning thinking about this silly bump on my eye, there would have been a time I would have woke up in dread.  I felt the Kramer from Seinfeld come to mind and the famous line in which he said ” look away- I’m hideous!! I laughed as I staggered out of my bed and to the bathroom.  I love me!!

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I have found that I don’t have to run ahead of those that are in my life and try to stomp out the fires that they are or might create.  It’s ok to let them go up in flames.

How else will they learn what they say or do only reflects on to them.  It it not our job to save people from learning from their own life lessons.  It’s ok to love them and let them go.

How many domestic abusive relationships would end if we allowed one another the freedom to be who we are meant to be?  I think that to stay in a marriage that causes you more harm is not a lesson.  The lesson is to allow that person to go, we are not meant to be in that person’s life that makes us miserable.  I am to learn from them and then them go on.

Yet we see these couple who go down the road ways fighting and yelling, or when they are in company with friends and family they look at one another with such hatred or disinterested.  WHY?  What have you proven by staying with someone who you have a hard time kissing on the cheek let alone on the mouth?  Fear keeps those people together.  SAD!

I want someone in my life that has the same likes as me.  I want us to help others to find their true self.  To open the cage and set them free from the limited thinking they have been taught.  How wonderful to give that gift of life, to help them heal and go on to help others.  Is that not what we truly are here for?

Think about this for a moment.  Why would an all loving God, Universe, Goddess, man upstairs, what ever you want to call that higher consciousness, want you to come here and suffer?  Why?  What do you get from suffering?  I was wondering this very thing, and with all my suffering, I have only learned how to suffer!!  I am finding out that as I love me for all my, what society calls faults, mess-ups and screw-ups, I really can learn the lessons that I feel I came to learn.

I had harsh parents as a kid, you mess up you were grounded, or spanked.  What did I learn from this? That my parents didn’t love me if I messed up.  What if my parents would have sat down and asked me, what would have happen if I continued with what I was doing?  I know that I would have learned from that, and knew my parents loved me enough to take that time to talk to me. I know that when I messed up I already felt bad they didn’t have to make it worse.   We are born with a heart that feels what is right and wrong. Those who don’t, maybe they were meant to come down here and to not feel that difference.  Why? That I don’t know, but there are those few who have no heart towards human kind.

Let not get off the thought here though, it comes down to Love.  We are loving spiritual beings having a human experience of limits, patients and failures, yet getting through these times with love and kindness.

I will continue to go down this road of solitude, that’s not what I am finding though.  I have found that I am not hiding behind memes, or the tragic  events unfolding on tv.  I have a wonderful sitcom going on right here in my world.  And it’s better than what I can find surfing on the TV.  Plus I am a part of it not someone sitting there wishing I was.  I love being able to tell others what I feel and not wondering if they will misinterpret it.  If they do than they have a life lesson that is needing to come up and be acknowledged and dealt with.  How awesome for them!! I love it!

I’ll close with this thought, there is no stopping life, no settling.  Life ends when you go to sleep for that final time.  Stop wasting your time on people you hope will change to what you expect them to become.  Stop saving those who need your loving kindest act of letting them go.  Love your hurts and fears when they come up.  What makes you feel heavy and sad love it and let it go.  What makes you feel happy and light go after with wild abandonment.  Let go of the limited thinking you were taught. If it feels good do it.  If it feels bad let it go.  Allow others the freedom to do as they please and stop judging them. It’s not for you to judge others.

Let go of those things that you use as an excuse, job, relationship, church, social media,  school, ect.  Make time for people!! Love those who love you for you.  Let go of those who don’t.  Love yourself more, demand more for yourself and guess what you’ll do the same for others.  You can not heal nor love others if you are not healed and loved.  Who best to love you but you?

When life gets hard LOVE IT!! Love and light you lovelies!

 

 

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